Random Good

    Today has been…long, like all my other days, but long in a good way. I’m still waiting for a bad day to hit me in the face with a brick, but so far so good. There was a club fair, where some local food-places also came with free samples, so ice cream and a brownie made me very happy. And just now, some girls went down the hall, with what was clearly two new boxes of cupcakes bought from somewhere, asking if anyone wanted a cupcake. In short, I’m eating a very nice cupcake right now. Last night, too, someone I know went down calling if anyone wanted cake, but I was working on sleeping so I didn’t poke my head out. All I know is, there is food everywhere and that makes me beyond happy.

    I’ve also seen a bunch of random wildlife; dragonflies, lovely blue butterflies, a groundhog, and what I think might be a finch. The picture of which will follow;

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    I even sort of kind of made plans with someone (who I will call E for now) to go on Monday, or some Monday, to get one of the free cake squares from the bakery nearby. And as mentioned before, I have an unofficial Big already. So far, things aren’t bad at all. Of course classes and homework are not my favorite thing (have to go down tomorrow morning to print out a paper) but even my classes aren’t but too bad. Hell, I even got a small part in a play, though I may or may not end up with a bigger-ish part depending since someone decided they couldn’t do it. So, hoping for the best with that.

    Still waiting to be hit hard with something not good at all, but, well, until then, I’m going to enjoy my random animals and cupcakes.

Home

    Besides my phone acting all funny with my inbox for Yahoo mail, this week hasn’t been too bad. I haven’t really felt homesick as much as I thought I would, though I am on animal withdrawal; though, thankfully, when I visited another classmate’s home for a Dr. Who premier thing, there were dogs, so that helped temporarily. Now, don’t get me wrong, I miss home, but not so much that I’m constantly thinking over it. Perhaps it’s because I’m at the right college for me (never thought I’d call a women’s college right for me) that made this transition easier. As I write this I am seat-dancing to Nicotine by Panic at the Disco; that’s not exactly screaming ‘I miss home’. 

    I have missed home when I’m off in a corner on my own, sure, but that’s just loneliness Like last night at the Big/Little mixer, I felt alone in my corner…until another first year came over and then some juniors. As it is, one of the juniors already mentioned ‘claiming’ me as her Little, even though it’s not the official reveal yet. And that’s awesome, because I like her, too, so it works out. Of course there are more get togethers yet, but still, it’s a possible start. Orientation kept my mind from missing home, yes, and now classes are starting. It all works out quite well. 

    Like a friend mentioned in the comments of my ‘Anxiety’ post, it’s like a second home. So much more now that I’m really here. I knew I would get over the worry soon enough, and I did near immediately. I miss my friends and family, but this place seems to be working out nicely for me. So far I am not regretting my decision. I expect my classes to be difficult, since this is one of the higher up colleges around, but still. I’m glad I chose Salem, only females (besides some teachers and public safety) around or not, it was a good choice, I do believe. It feels like home already, and I’m going to be grateful for that for as long as I’m here.

   And now, off to my math class.

Memoirs of a College First Year #1

    So, technically I’m not a freshman, thanks to the credits that transferred over, but I am a first year at Salem College; a first year to any college besides community college even. You may have noticed the ‘#1’ so, yes, there’ll be a few of these, or so I’m hoping. I’m not going to offer advice besides the little that i have, but as I go through this year, I’m hoping that this will help people either feel not so alone, or to have an idea on what they’re getting into, or just for pure interest. This isn’t going to so much go into my personal stuff, there’ll be another post soon about all this so far that’ll be more in depth; this is just to help cover some things that could help others or so.

    Let me start off this first one with something very simple; do NOT rely on your roommate before you even meet. I’ve read this so many times and have just thought it as simple logic that you shouldn’t, but, apparently, some think otherwise. Okay, yes, if you are lucky, you might get paired with someone who you’ll be best of friends with, but you might also hate them with a fiery passion. Or you could be like me, and like some same stuff and get along well enough that you are able to live together. You probably won’t be in your room that often, big school or not, anyhow, but still. if you go to a small school, like me, then you’re more likely to find groups easier, but still. Don’t expect to do everything with your roommate. Sure, hang out the first week or so while y’all both get settled, but, unless you two seriously click, don’t get offended if they wander off, don’t feel guilty if you decide to go to some other people. Don’t use your roommate as a crutch. Just don’t expect that. See how it works for you, if you love your roommate, awesome, if you need a new one, it happens. But don’t expect too much before meeting.

    You’ll find people. It might take some doing, but you will. Hell, I’ve only been here a few days and I’ve found some people who seem nice enough to maybe be friends with. Of course I’m sticking to the other awkward people mostly, but whatever. I know this one is short, but just wanted to get off a starting point, and how expecting the best friend vibe form your roommate is a not so good thing to do seemed like a good one. There are longer articles, probably, about this someplace, too, but it all boils down to the same thing.

Anxiety

    I’m leaving on Thursday. 

    No matter how many times I say it to myself, it doesn’t make me feel better. Now, moving to North Carolina won’t be the furthest I’ve been from home, since I’ve been to Georgia for a class trip in middle school, but it’ll be the longest. And I still have plenty I need to do; like get some copies of stuff sent in for my refund/financial aid card so I can get my books, still need to finish my packing, need to have my dad look through my laptop to see if I might have a virus since my AVG does not want to update at all, and then other stuff that has my mind drawing a blank. Basically, I’m feeling…claustrophobic almost. I had to go out today and I really, really didn’t want to. I would have been perfectly fine staying at home. Tomorrow, like hell I’m going anywhere. If someone wants me out of the house, they’ll have to drag me kicking and screaming. Well, not literally, but I’ll be kicking and screaming in my head since this is all hitting me like a brick wall. I’m someone who can deal with things, just not too many things at one time. If someone tries to add something to something already stressful enough, I can get a little bit irritated. I know I have to do things, and when people point it out…I get antsy. But I’m going to finish pushing my stuff around in my room, finish packing, get my laptop looked over, and whatever else I have to do tomorrow. Probably I won’t sleep tomorrow night, and instead will play video games (Mass Effect, Assassin’s Creed, etc. pretty much whatever I can cram into a night) I’ll not be able to until my break in November; unless I end up getting my Xbox brought down, but I doubt I will since I don’t play it but so often. Of course I’m leaving at 3 or so Thursday morning to get to the school by eight for a really long day, but however.

    Of course, moving to a new college is supposedly one of the most stressful things, under death of family and such things like that. But I’m good with dealing with stress, to a certain point of course. Though I’m looking at the schedule for orientation and I’m already thinking of ducking out of the hiking and hiding in my room. Why? Because I’ll probably have hit my people limit by that moment. Since I’m doing the firsts program, I’m going to have some mentor lady as well as a Big, so what that equals to is people. I see myself needing to hide in my room a bit by the time that hike rolls around. I might mes around on my laptop a bit, but anyone who I’d bother through the media that is Second Life would probably not be on that time so…I’ll have to entertain myself some other way. I don’t know yet. Depends if I hit my people limit.

    But I am skipping the soccer thing for sure, so that’s another thing where I can do whatever in my room; and when people I like might actually be around, even.

    I know I’m supposed to expect this sort of thing, the anxiety, but I hate it. I hate feeling so…anxious. As it is, the only thing that brightened up my going outside today was finding some cute Wonder Woman themed nightgown and one of those older model Big Ben clocks, the ones with the bells on either side and such. I’m easily entertained, I know, but it helped, a little. I’m just panicking again now. I don’t think I’ll end up calling friends or family and begging them to come take me home, but the first few days are going to be…not fun. I can’t remember the last time I felt so nervous, not sure I ever have, but I know that my feeling like this will be a long gone memory soon. And I know this is something most people moving away from their hometown feel; panicky, anxious, etc. 

    I’d like to give some advice on how to overcome this kind of thing, but I’m not at that point yet. All I can think of is trying to not think on it and simply breathe, and, again, trying to not think on the whole ‘away’ thing. I’m a creature of habit, I like my routines, and change is hard on me sometimes. I need to be eased into it…and, yes, I’ve known of this since a long while, but it still feels like being dropped into icy water. 

    I’ll get over it soon, yes, but I don’t like it yet. Need to give it time, of course, but I have to wait for it. Right now, guess I’ll work on cleaning some more since doubt I’ll be sleeping soon. TV or music in the background while I work on it, hopefully I won’t start crying yet. Only plus is that I know there are others feeling the exact same way as me at the moment; for once I might actually count as normal.

Not Sleeping

    By all logic I should be asleep, but my mind is running over so many little things it isn’t funny. It doesn’t much help that it’s supposed to maybe have scattered showers tomorrow and I may be very well getting a sinus headache. I have to be up before noon tomorrow, since planning to go off with some friends, weather permitting, to the beach, much like I did on Thursday with my mom and brother who I dragged along because I didn’t feel like going alone. Granted, my friends and I may be mostly on the boardwalk and the sand since one friend recently got a tattoo and she can’t get it wet nor have it too long in the sun yet. That’s still only if weather allows, of course. Else…hell if I know.

    A mix of nerves and anticipation (for the moving and ‘seeing’ another friend come Sunday when he’s back from his own reprieve) are probably what’s keeping me up. Pfft. I really ought to sleep, but with all this hitting me (like the fact of all times now I feel like working on my room organization/packing) it’s hard. I’m thinking of how my family will miss me, since I’ll be hours away for once (and for longer than a class trip takes), how my friends and I will miss each other, how my dog will miss me, and…eh. My brother will never really admit he’ll miss me, I know; he’s still in the fun mostly-sullen-leave-me-alone-unless-invited teen stage. You know the stage, the one where you feel like they should be hit with a shovel. My mom has full-on admitted it, and tried and failed to not cry in front of me because of it. My dad almost admitted it by deflecting it with ‘I miss all my kids’ (my half-sister who’s all grown with a kid of her own, me, and my brother only in that list of children he has, mind you), and while it was him only sort of admitting it, I’ll take it. My dog..well, Oreo will find out when I don’t come back until my first break in November that I’m not there anymore. I know it might be strange to anyone who hasn’t ever had a pet, but I feel bad for that since, well, had him since he was a puppy. He’s basically my furry-four-legged-child in a way. And my friends, well, we’ve all long since admitted our future missing-eachother-feelings.

    But all of that, even though the missing bits make me feel sad, they also make me feel loved. Why? because someone wouldn’t miss you if they didn’t love you in some shape or form, right? Still sad, but…the fact it proves I’m loved makes it more bittersweet. Now time to focus on going to a different beach tomorrow than on Thursday, and then after the whole sort-of-in-a-way seeing another friend on Sunday. Focus on the good, focus on the worrying bits later.

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    Something to add as a sort of postscript; there is one thing that has never really ever been told to anyone who grows up and I can’t quite figure out why. What hasn’t really been told is that it’s okay to be confused and worried and fucking terrified even. Why? Because that’s life. Life is a jumble of worry and confusion and fear and love and sadness and joy and…every other emotion possible. There’s a reason people classify young adults and adults as separate categories; not because of age, but because of the accepting the ‘it’s okay’ bit. No one tells you it’s okay to have no idea what in the hell you’re doing with your life/money/job/family/etc., instead favoring to have us thing we have to get some higher point, that others got it right right away. It’s always said that people can be who they want to be, but what is always forgotten is to mention the hardships and pain that’s bound to hit you face first along the way. Life isn’t easy, and I’m not naive nor privileged enough to think that life could ever be easy for someone like me.

    But I’ll take the sighs and faint pangs of missing people over having everything so easily handed to me. Why? Because I know I’ll see them again, and that makes it all worth while.

Random Quote

    The mall my friend and I had decided to go to the other day had a Barnes and Noble. I’ve been pinning for a book since before it came out, since I finished the one before it…and I had to get it. So, since I absolutely love this quote (and it doesn’t give spoilers) I am going to leave this here. From Silver Shadows, part of the Bloodlines series by Richelle Mead, a quote in one of the Adrian POV chapters:

“It wasn’t possible that one person could make you experience so many emotions at once, that one person could trigger a universe of feelings, simply with the sound of your name.”

    Ah, Adrian, self-destructive, insane thing he is, so sweet and lovely when it comes to his heart. Now excuse me while I work on knocking out a few more chapters of Sydney and Adrian awesomeness. 

Memories

I’m feeling…hm, I don’t know how to explain it. Melancholy? Nostalgic? Don’t know. All I do know is that I’m feeling like crying. I’m not alone either; a friend, who I’ll call ‘B’ for ease’s sake, that I hung out with today was feeling the same way, too. Quite a few of my friends have the same plan as me, a few years of community college then off to a four year. Others are still sticking with community college for a bit longer but, for the most part, we’re all…moving on. Four year college or military for the most part. And most of these colleges are at least four hours away from our hometown, if not longer.

What my mind has wandered to is a group of friends of mine who I’ve known since seventh grade, a few girls, B included, who mean so very much to me. I happened to find an old scrapbook I tried keeping and so many silly little things, including a game a friend of mine and I made up. Not to mention my awkward middle school and up school IDs. I also found some old pictures that brought the memories rushing back to me. I’m going to share one, and I warn you, it’s from middle school…so to say we looked young and awkward is an understatement. B and I, besides wandering downtown after coffee and scones/muffins, then heading to the mall, were very much so reminiscing of how, a group of four of us used to wander a different, smaller mall. God, we were so…silly. But there was a photo booth and we used it a few times, and I have two little things from it.

 

Photo Booth EDIT

Yea, that’s one. Like I said, awkward children. Though, well, we’ve grown up since then, obviously. But it still brings back so many memories. B and another friend, who I’ll refer to as A, are both in the picture with me and there was another girl in our middle school group who I’ll call J. There was a lot of time killed at that mall. We’d run around, being silly children, and…well, do as children do. We thought we were so grown up, our parents letting us go to the mall so often on our own. It was just…freedom. We once tried playing hide and seek in Macy’s, not to mention we found out I could fit in a tote. And J had once brought a blow up swimming pool from the bottom shelf of Target and put it on the floor and sat in it. We were weird to say the least. But we had fun. I remember not really being the type to go out with friends before I met those three girls. J, though, was the most outgoing of us all, and she helped us all come out of our shells, really. A was more like me, and B, while shy, was more social more… Well, she was a lot like the smart, popular girl. Especially as she got older and into high school. Unfortunately A had ended up moving across the country and, I’ll admit, I haven’t kept in touch with her as much as I would like to, but it happens. Maybe I’ll try to soon, least Facebook can help that much.

But we grow up. Our groups of friends change, and I cannot count how many times in my life friends have moved on, as have I. But with these three, two now, it’s different. When A moved away freshman year of high school, I cried. I was going to miss her because, as I said, out of our group, she was most like me. And, now, I’m crying again for a whole other reason. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be able to meet new people and all that, but I’m going to miss J and B. They impacted my life in a huge way. I can still remember J telling me on a chorus trip about how she was bi and about this girl she liked; I still remember Halloween, my last trick-or-treating Halloween, with B. We were dorks, each of us to the last drop, but we loved each other. And still do. Even if we don’t talk as much as we used to, when we do it’s like we never stopped.

So, yes, I’m feeling a bit sad because I know my friend set is about to go through some upheaval again and, as good as that is, I’m going to miss being close to these girls. It takes a lot for me to really, truly count somehow as a friend, but after so many years…how could I not count these two as them? But, well, we grew up. We grew up and now it’s time for us to grow out. We count as adults now, and we actually look like women instead of awkward children.

I think it’s starting to hit me that I’m leaving now. Next week I’ll be gone, and I can only hope that I’ll find new friends as wonderful as the ones I’m leaving behind.

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Put Yourself Out There

    So, between feeling like an awful friend/selfish for really no reason, plotting who to drag tot eh beach with me so I go at least once this summer, feeling like the stereotypical broke college student, making plans with a friend for next Sunday, and eyeing the frozen margarita in the freezer; a weird topic popped in my head all thanks to available phone backgrounds. I was contemplating to update my phone screen, so, naturally, I went looking on Zedge and somehow has updated a bunch of things involving ‘love is…’ and inserting little drawings and words and all that stuff. It’s adorable, really, but that got me to thinking about something one of my friends has said to me before; you need to put yourself out there.

    What the hell is that to mean?

    I know it might not seem to much fit to that whole ‘love is’ thing, but it does to me in a weird way. But, okay, some background on that thing a friend told me: I had happened to mention how I seem forever single, since it was fitting to the conversation at the time, and this friend piped up and told me I need to put myself out there. I have no idea what he meant, and he got a confused look from me. I never got the elaboration, but…that doesn’t stop me form wondering. One of friends, who happens to be the one who told me this, is rather honest and sweet, if a bit of a flirt, and has told me a few times that I look ‘cute’, as have some girl friends of mine. 

    As soon as I was told that, I started thinking about it and I have been since a long while since, well, I’d like to do the whole love and family thing someday, especially the former, and not have the cat-lady future I am fearing. I’ve only dated so many guys as I can count on one hand without using all my fingers, so clearly I’ve done something right. I’ve also had a couple guys ask me out who I…well I didn’t say no, I jsut never answered because I’m bad with saying no to people; but I didn’t see the attraction with them and didn’t want to waste my time which could be spent on other things. Maybe I’m picky and that’s my problem? Don’t know. 

    All I do know is that, if I happen to like a guy, I might dress up a little more, put some more effort into me morning routine, and my strangely naturally semi-flirty personality really comes out, but when I purposely try to flirt it’s a train-wreck to be perfectly honest. Though that’s besides the point. The point is, I do try, when I like someone…else…eh…don’t’ see the point in wasting time and energy. Perhaps that is what was meant when my friend had said I need to put myself out there, that I need to use more effort daily? That sounds a lot of work, though, which makes me almost decide to just deal with the cat-lady future.

    But, well, I hope. There’s a reason I feel attracted to Europe, maybe whoever is going to be stuck with me is over there someplace? Or maybe near my college? No clue.

    This reminds me of something else vaguely related. In a sociology class of mine, we had to go and write on a timeline where we hope to be at certain ages. I had finishing my master’s somewhere around 28-30, marriage maybe somewhere around 32 (assuming nothing happens before that or after, of course), and children probably not until I’m ‘mid-life’ aka 35. And everyone else had their children and marriage waaay earlier. Everyone else thought it was odd that someone would put children so far down the line when, really, I’m being realistic. My mom didn’t have me until she was 40 and my dad was 34, granted my dad was married twice before and already had a kid with his second wife before he met my mom, but still. I’m being realistic. Even if I meet someone and get married before my guessed age, I’m probably going to put off children until I have a steady job and am settled in my life; I don’t want to have to worry about money and such since, let’s be honest, to be able to support yourself and children, even one, you need money. Especially when college comes along. I simply don’t want to have any possible children I may or may not have to have to worry about what I’ve had to worry about growing up. 

    But what I’m more wondering on is why do people aim to do things so soon? Now, for the women, I guess it makes a hint more sense since that’s the ‘norm’, for women to have children earlier. Granted with women working now, it is slowly changing so that the norm is more what my goal is; family later in life. Even with the change, I was still the odd man out and it didn’t stop people form questioning the why. They all seemed to think that children and a significant other would be easily done early in life, that going to school while having that wouldn’t be too difficult, or that simply working and doing that is easy. It’s really not. Most couples that are married young, have children young, end up divorcing because of all the stress and so many other factors. Yes, some couples make it and that is wonderful, but the chances aren’t exactly on the couple’s side. I know, I’m being pessimistic, but from what I know, that’s how it tends to work. Now, a 20-something person and someone closer to, or in, their 30’s is not what I’m talking about, since that could go either way depending on various things; I’m focusing on people who could basically be high school sweethearts, since they’re both at the same point in their life and who aren’t mentally older. 

    Perhaps my pessimistic attitude is what keeps me giving off the ‘I’m putting myself out here’ vibe I apparently lack, or because the whole ‘settling down’ thing is no where in my short-term goals. If it happens in the short term, it does, if not, it doesn’t. I still won’t ever understand people’s want to do these things right away instead of waiting, considering how lifespans are longer than they were a hundred years ago, but if it’s what works for them, who am I to judge? But maybe one day I’ll understand exactly what putting yourself out there means and why people wish for things to be so soon. Maybe one day.