Put Yourself Out There

    So, between feeling like an awful friend/selfish for really no reason, plotting who to drag tot eh beach with me so I go at least once this summer, feeling like the stereotypical broke college student, making plans with a friend for next Sunday, and eyeing the frozen margarita in the freezer; a weird topic popped in my head all thanks to available phone backgrounds. I was contemplating to update my phone screen, so, naturally, I went looking on Zedge and somehow has updated a bunch of things involving ‘love is…’ and inserting little drawings and words and all that stuff. It’s adorable, really, but that got me to thinking about something one of my friends has said to me before; you need to put yourself out there.

    What the hell is that to mean?

    I know it might not seem to much fit to that whole ‘love is’ thing, but it does to me in a weird way. But, okay, some background on that thing a friend told me: I had happened to mention how I seem forever single, since it was fitting to the conversation at the time, and this friend piped up and told me I need to put myself out there. I have no idea what he meant, and he got a confused look from me. I never got the elaboration, but…that doesn’t stop me form wondering. One of friends, who happens to be the one who told me this, is rather honest and sweet, if a bit of a flirt, and has told me a few times that I look ‘cute’, as have some girl friends of mine. 

    As soon as I was told that, I started thinking about it and I have been since a long while since, well, I’d like to do the whole love and family thing someday, especially the former, and not have the cat-lady future I am fearing. I’ve only dated so many guys as I can count on one hand without using all my fingers, so clearly I’ve done something right. I’ve also had a couple guys ask me out who I…well I didn’t say no, I jsut never answered because I’m bad with saying no to people; but I didn’t see the attraction with them and didn’t want to waste my time which could be spent on other things. Maybe I’m picky and that’s my problem? Don’t know. 

    All I do know is that, if I happen to like a guy, I might dress up a little more, put some more effort into me morning routine, and my strangely naturally semi-flirty personality really comes out, but when I purposely try to flirt it’s a train-wreck to be perfectly honest. Though that’s besides the point. The point is, I do try, when I like someone…else…eh…don’t’ see the point in wasting time and energy. Perhaps that is what was meant when my friend had said I need to put myself out there, that I need to use more effort daily? That sounds a lot of work, though, which makes me almost decide to just deal with the cat-lady future.

    But, well, I hope. There’s a reason I feel attracted to Europe, maybe whoever is going to be stuck with me is over there someplace? Or maybe near my college? No clue.

    This reminds me of something else vaguely related. In a sociology class of mine, we had to go and write on a timeline where we hope to be at certain ages. I had finishing my master’s somewhere around 28-30, marriage maybe somewhere around 32 (assuming nothing happens before that or after, of course), and children probably not until I’m ‘mid-life’ aka 35. And everyone else had their children and marriage waaay earlier. Everyone else thought it was odd that someone would put children so far down the line when, really, I’m being realistic. My mom didn’t have me until she was 40 and my dad was 34, granted my dad was married twice before and already had a kid with his second wife before he met my mom, but still. I’m being realistic. Even if I meet someone and get married before my guessed age, I’m probably going to put off children until I have a steady job and am settled in my life; I don’t want to have to worry about money and such since, let’s be honest, to be able to support yourself and children, even one, you need money. Especially when college comes along. I simply don’t want to have any possible children I may or may not have to have to worry about what I’ve had to worry about growing up. 

    But what I’m more wondering on is why do people aim to do things so soon? Now, for the women, I guess it makes a hint more sense since that’s the ‘norm’, for women to have children earlier. Granted with women working now, it is slowly changing so that the norm is more what my goal is; family later in life. Even with the change, I was still the odd man out and it didn’t stop people form questioning the why. They all seemed to think that children and a significant other would be easily done early in life, that going to school while having that wouldn’t be too difficult, or that simply working and doing that is easy. It’s really not. Most couples that are married young, have children young, end up divorcing because of all the stress and so many other factors. Yes, some couples make it and that is wonderful, but the chances aren’t exactly on the couple’s side. I know, I’m being pessimistic, but from what I know, that’s how it tends to work. Now, a 20-something person and someone closer to, or in, their 30’s is not what I’m talking about, since that could go either way depending on various things; I’m focusing on people who could basically be high school sweethearts, since they’re both at the same point in their life and who aren’t mentally older. 

    Perhaps my pessimistic attitude is what keeps me giving off the ‘I’m putting myself out here’ vibe I apparently lack, or because the whole ‘settling down’ thing is no where in my short-term goals. If it happens in the short term, it does, if not, it doesn’t. I still won’t ever understand people’s want to do these things right away instead of waiting, considering how lifespans are longer than they were a hundred years ago, but if it’s what works for them, who am I to judge? But maybe one day I’ll understand exactly what putting yourself out there means and why people wish for things to be so soon. Maybe one day.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ntdc
    Aug 06, 2014 @ 10:48:36

    hm. there are many reasons people want or get things soon like kids and the whole family thing, as there are reasons to not want or do it soon. one of the main things probably as simple as how someone is, their personality. your friend is right, put your self out there 😛 anywhere anytime someone interesting could show up, if around your college (probably not so much inside it in future 😉 ) or in the supermarket or wherever else, and you don´t need to get kids or a family or even into a relationship before you arrived at your time for it on your timeline or it´s just not ‘your thing’, just some fun and going out and flirting is perfectly fine, we don´t live in the middle ages 😉 …frozen margarita?…sounds good… but got distracted, put yourself out there, while of course not neglecting your college 😛 yes, your friend -is- right.

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    • Deidre
      Aug 07, 2014 @ 06:06:59

      I mean, I can understand wanting the stuff, but..realistically…eh. Though if ya love someone enough to marry them so young, why not. I mean divorce is, I’ve heard, more expensive and more work than marriage, but since other sorts of living arrangements (civil unions, etc.) aren’t usually recognized and given the same rights as a married couple would have, it makes sense in that aspect. If people who are living together would get the same benefits as a married couple, probably would better…but then there’d be no money made from as many weddings, so probably not gonna happen.
      Anyhow, yes, I highly doubt anyone in my college is going to be someone interesting romantic-wise, since I’m pretty much positive I’m strictly for guys 😛 And, see, that’s the thing, I’ve nothing against casual dating, but even with making friends, I have to decide if people are worth the effort; that makes me sound picky but…maybe I am. Though, in my defense, the past guy who seemed interested in me was into some *coughs* strong stuff, to put it mildly…so…yea. I really need to figure out exactly what is meant by the putting yourself out there, you need to add a definition, please 😛 But, hm, I think I might halfways get it, just a matter of doing, I guess.
      And yes, frozen margarita that had been in the freezer -way- too long so, while like a slushy almost…too strong tasting for my taste. But I guess, since I think to have a vague idea on what you, and probably my friend, had been meaning, I could try…just…matter of being less decisive, unless I’ve totally missed the mark lol

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  2. ntdc
    Aug 07, 2014 @ 13:12:09

    hm, ok, 1 practical example then for both things.

    wanting kids early: my son came when we were 19, we didn´t ‘try for it’ (which many of our now 30-40 yo friends and acquaintances do, as it doesn´t get exactly easier and some get panic by that age and work with schedules and stuff 😛 and there´s higher risk and special examinations and such for women who get a child later in life), but we just didn´t prevent it, I´m 33 now, my son 14, which is great, I never was too tired to do stuff with him when he was still small or now like interesting holidays not only laying around on the beach, and probably never will be as long as he´ll want to do stuff with me, if I/we´d have waited till 40…then son would have been 10 when I 50, 20 when I 60, and by 30 he´d have a 70 yo father to take care of plus maybe children of his own…but I very well understand and find good to put children back for someone to finish their education first and when thinking both would be too much to deal with, though things have gotten better there, universities at least here offer daycare for babies and children of their students, so they don´t have to take a long break or drop their studies, but I still see that it´s not easy of course and probably much depends on personalities and how someone generally deals with such things and of course there are many people who fear on missing out on going out and ‘sacrificing’ their own youth to their children, which is something I never had a problem with, nor my wife – we could have made much more use of both our moms close enough and more than willing to take the boy, but we rarely did, because we loved it and to have him around us almost all the time

    putting yourself out there: have an open mind! 😛 give the guys a chance, of course not those that seem creepy ! or you know definitely you don´t like or would be a waste of time, but don´t be too picky with all the guys you see or meet who might be a ‘maybe’, maybe they´ll surprise you positively, if you give them a chance to, so…yes, smile, say something nice to them, just have fun talking to people, flirt a bit…and look out for signs, what about the friend who told you you´re cute and is a flirt for example, seems like the perfect victim to practise if not more 😛 take chances where they present themselves, and yes, the more you ‘put yourself out there’ literally, like go places or events where people are, alone or with a girl friend, the more people you meet and the more possible nice ones among them. and of course…make an effort before you go out, I fear I have to admit that that probably helps 😉

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    • Deidre
      Aug 08, 2014 @ 22:51:36

      Now, see, that I can understand, of course. I meant more the people who actually -aim- for a child young, but it does work for some. Like some friends of mine have kids, fathers no where to be seen, and some others are on the track to being married, and, of course, each deals with it differently; depends on the person if they’d be ready for such things. And I can agree, having children young does help with being able to actually, well, do stuff with them. Like my mom was a bit upwards of 50 when I was in my teen years and, being the odd child I was, I actually wanted to spend time with her and my dad both…but it was difficult since she couldn’t wander the mall for long as I could without getting tired or so. Both my parents are physically young for their ages, but still causes issue of course. So I do for sure agree with that it’s easier with having children younger with that 🙂
      And, hm, here, that I know of, most 4 year plus colleges/universities don’t offer child care far as I know, so that’s when helpful mothers and such would be useful, least over here. And I’m glad it had worked for you and your wife to have had him young, I’m sure he’s a wonderful boy…well, as wonderful as a 14 can be with the obligatory moodiness 😉

      Volunteering my friend for practice? Aren’t you lovely 😛 And I’d say something, but I’ll just email you that bit lol And go places alone where people would be…pfft, introvert me needs friends to make less shy 😛 But, I do get what you’re saying, just….like I said, introvert person lol so takes a bit for me to not get really awkward and shy with people. But, okay, okay, I concede, you’ve a point with all that, so probably right. And so long as no guys that do shrooms/seem to constantly have a hangover are the ones I’m supposed to have an open mind about, I can try 😛

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