Not Sleeping

    By all logic I should be asleep, but my mind is running over so many little things it isn’t funny. It doesn’t much help that it’s supposed to maybe have scattered showers tomorrow and I may be very well getting a sinus headache. I have to be up before noon tomorrow, since planning to go off with some friends, weather permitting, to the beach, much like I did on Thursday with my mom and brother who I dragged along because I didn’t feel like going alone. Granted, my friends and I may be mostly on the boardwalk and the sand since one friend recently got a tattoo and she can’t get it wet nor have it too long in the sun yet. That’s still only if weather allows, of course. Else…hell if I know.

    A mix of nerves and anticipation (for the moving and ‘seeing’ another friend come Sunday when he’s back from his own reprieve) are probably what’s keeping me up. Pfft. I really ought to sleep, but with all this hitting me (like the fact of all times now I feel like working on my room organization/packing) it’s hard. I’m thinking of how my family will miss me, since I’ll be hours away for once (and for longer than a class trip takes), how my friends and I will miss each other, how my dog will miss me, and…eh. My brother will never really admit he’ll miss me, I know; he’s still in the fun mostly-sullen-leave-me-alone-unless-invited teen stage. You know the stage, the one where you feel like they should be hit with a shovel. My mom has full-on admitted it, and tried and failed to not cry in front of me because of it. My dad almost admitted it by deflecting it with ‘I miss all my kids’ (my half-sister who’s all grown with a kid of her own, me, and my brother only in that list of children he has, mind you), and while it was him only sort of admitting it, I’ll take it. My dog..well, Oreo will find out when I don’t come back until my first break in November that I’m not there anymore. I know it might be strange to anyone who hasn’t ever had a pet, but I feel bad for that since, well, had him since he was a puppy. He’s basically my furry-four-legged-child in a way. And my friends, well, we’ve all long since admitted our future missing-eachother-feelings.

    But all of that, even though the missing bits make me feel sad, they also make me feel loved. Why? because someone wouldn’t miss you if they didn’t love you in some shape or form, right? Still sad, but…the fact it proves I’m loved makes it more bittersweet. Now time to focus on going to a different beach tomorrow than on Thursday, and then after the whole sort-of-in-a-way seeing another friend on Sunday. Focus on the good, focus on the worrying bits later.

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    Something to add as a sort of postscript; there is one thing that has never really ever been told to anyone who grows up and I can’t quite figure out why. What hasn’t really been told is that it’s okay to be confused and worried and fucking terrified even. Why? Because that’s life. Life is a jumble of worry and confusion and fear and love and sadness and joy and…every other emotion possible. There’s a reason people classify young adults and adults as separate categories; not because of age, but because of the accepting the ‘it’s okay’ bit. No one tells you it’s okay to have no idea what in the hell you’re doing with your life/money/job/family/etc., instead favoring to have us thing we have to get some higher point, that others got it right right away. It’s always said that people can be who they want to be, but what is always forgotten is to mention the hardships and pain that’s bound to hit you face first along the way. Life isn’t easy, and I’m not naive nor privileged enough to think that life could ever be easy for someone like me.

    But I’ll take the sighs and faint pangs of missing people over having everything so easily handed to me. Why? Because I know I’ll see them again, and that makes it all worth while.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ntdc
    Aug 16, 2014 @ 20:02:04

    it´s ok. it really is. and you´ll be fine, Oreo too, though probably he´ll be the most miserable out of all friends and family who love/will miss you 🙂

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    Reply

    • Deidre
      Aug 17, 2014 @ 05:01:23

      *laughs* You probably have a point with that one. Poor thing won’t know what hit him, and he’ll likely be clingy when I come visit on my breaks lol SO super fun for that 😛

      Like

      Reply

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