Beyond Control

I’m feeling a bit sad today. Not for any real, explosive reason, but simply because of things that are out of my control. As much as I have come to accept not everything can work how I would like it to, it still hurts sometimes when something or other seems to happen. Especially when it has happened before and I know there is nothing to do for it besides hope. It makes me want to cry almost, at the sheer unfairness of it all and how frustrated I am, but at the same time I know tears won’t do me any good.

When I was little, I used to cry over everything; say what you will about pageants, the two I was in when I was five or six and seven, I think, helped me stop crying over losing something. The first year was awful, and the second year, when I made it to the semi-finals and was close to actually being a finalists…it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t as bad. And then when I tried out for teams and didn’t make it, I didn’t cry. As much. And now that I’m grown, I only cry when the frustration is too much, when the worry is too much; not because I lost something so simple as a spot on a team.

But right now I very much feel like curling up in my bed. I keep hoping, as I sip my coffee, it’ll make me feel better; unfortunately, I chose mocha and am currently regretting that decision. The good thing about being at an all women’s college is that if I seem moody I can just claim certain ‘times’ and all that without having to explain a thing.  So, here’s a hint, if you’re someone who’s often to get into moods, and a woman, chose an all women’s college and then you can explain away such things with a few simple words. Just make sure you only use that excuse once a month.

You can as a man, too, since, well, men get moody times, too. Deny it all you want, it happens. Though admitting to that might cause some backfire, but, hey, moody times are for all genders; everyone has some estrogen in them, even ‘manly’ men.

Though when it comes to things out of your control, things you wish so desperately you could change but can’t, it’s a matter of…acceptance, I think. You have to accept you cannot change it, even if whatever is going on upsets someone you care about, too. You have to accept it and try to not let it get you down so much. The only problem there, of course, is that your logical and emotional bits will argue, rather loudly, since the emotions want to be felt and the logic is calling your emotions stupid for feeling like this. But that’s life, that’s being human; all your parts arguing 24/7 more or less.

Maybe I’m reading into things too much and what I think is happening isn’t actually happening, but it could be. And I don’t want to ask in case that’ll cause what I think is going on to actually happen. Again, that is. And maybe I’m feeling so strongly on this because of something someone said yesterday that’s more true than I’d like to admit, I think, I haven’t decided how true it is or not…but if it’s as true as I’m thinking, that could explain a lot. Sometimes people know you better than you know yourself, don’t they?

The funny thing is that, that outside opinion, was of something else beyond my control. I don’t know, I’m still thinking on if it’s true or not. I’m feeling like everything in my life just jumped off the cliff of rationality and into the void of the unknown, the unpredictable. I’m sure others have had points like that in their lives, and I’m sure that this will not be the last; the last will be whenever I die. And if reincarnation is a thing (which I do so hope) it won’t be the last, either. So, yea, my conclusion for today is that life is something of a tornado, always spinning and throwing bits of debris around that sometimes hit you smack in the face. No predictability, no control, and, if you’re like me, that isn’t always easy to accept.

This isn’t some big and meaningful post, I know, and I don’t want to just let it all out here but…I don’t know. It helps. I could write in my diary, but that only helps so much and sometimes typing into the vastness that is the internet helps me feel better. You know how Facebook statuses have been proven to decrease feelings of loneliness? It’s like that, only not.

Hopefully after today I’ll feel not so sad, but that’s yet to be seen. As always I’ll smile and laugh, even if I still feel a bit sad; maybe the smiling and laughing will make me feel better even. Or maybe what I’m worried on will be proven wrong. In any case, life is life, sometimes it sucks, sometimes you can’t do a damn thing to fix anything, but you have to accept it and do as you can. Don’t let it beat you down, just stand up and hope against hope that things will be nice again. You have to hope, that’s all we really have as humans. Ignore the things you think are unimportant, ignore the things you wish didn’t exist, and hope. Just…hope and believe and make sure people know they matter.


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