Take a Leap

So, my last post I mentioned I’m generally happier. Don’t get me wrong, I am, but there is at least one thing at this point that has all these possibilities spinning in my head and making me, yes, cry a bit and feel mildly depressed. But, strangely enough, tonight I went from doing just that to thinking about some things other people are going through to deciding to take a shower and… The thing about showers is, my thoughts get really deep when I’m in there. I don’t know why, they just do. Deep or random, and this time it was a bit of both, I suppose.

I made a decision, and I’m going to put it here so that I absolutely cannot reneg. Maybe not next summer, but the one after that, I am going to Germany. I decided that I need to take risks at least once in my life since, well, I should be allowed to. I always play it safe, and I’m not going to this time. I’m going to do something that I desperately want, even if everything wants to scream out that it isn’t practical, that it’s impossible and stupid and…everything else. I’m going to ignore that smart, safe voice in my head.

The safe voice has kept me from…rather much. It kept me from telling people how I’ve felt, one of which I sorely regret even four or five years later. (Well, mostly. I may or may not have been bored and looked on Facebook one night and that may or may not have made me feel a bit better…) It’s the voice that keeps me refraining from ever wanting to drink too much, since the idea of being drunk is a scary thought to me. I think I’m one of those liable to wander with my attention span. It’s the voice that has me not go places, not do things, go to bed at a decent hour when I have classes. It’s what makes me be the responsible one, the one who was the little ten year old that was already grown-up. I owe this to myself.

I’m going to look up ticket prices, even though I know those will probably increase come two years in the future. I’m going to fill out more job applications than ever so that I can get a job this coming summer. I’m not going to do what I usually do with money; tell myself I’ll not spend anything, but end up using some form of abstract logic to justify buying something when I do have money. I’m going to save. I’m going to look up hotel prices. I’m going to see if those estranged cousins want to do some bonding, since that could help me 1) not be too horribly tourist-looking and 2) help me not have to spend money on a hotel. I’m going to find out the exchange rate, watch it, and save for the fact I’ll have to eat. Give myself some fun spending money, too.

For once in my life, and probably for the last time (unless my plans to finish up my degree over in Germany pan out), I’m going to jump off a very, very high cliff and…hope. I don’t have anyone to help me, even if I’d love it if I did, but that’s okay. I can do this on my own. And I will. In two years time, I’ll have spent at least a day in some city in Germany.

Small addition: Maybe not two years. I’ll give myself three after looking at the ticket prices, but still aiming for two if luck is on my side. It’s going to happen, no discouragement this time.

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