Writer’s Write Prompt: Love Letter

Again here’s a thing for the Writer’s Write prompt thingy, but I’m sort of connecting it to the story I’m working on. Haven’t decided yet if I’m going to have it in the book or not, so that’s why it’s here and not tucking someplace in my files.

Write a farewell note to the love of your life without using the word love.

Time means so little here, which makes it hard for me to say if we’ve spent weeks, months, or years together. Either way, you have come to mean something to me. But, I also know I don’t mean quite as much to you; fae cannot feel like humans. You also care more for Taika than the real me, so I suppose this works out in the end. I’m leaving, and, if all goes how I hope, I’m leaving her, too. You can at least keep someone who knows more what it’s like when it comes to fae tendencies, who won’t foolishly hope for something that cannot be had.

I want to say more, but I don’t know how to express it and if you wake up before I go, I might not leave. Enjoy your immortal life, hopefully you find whatever you’re looking for. I know I did.

What the Hell

My roommate had been playing this earlier, before the three of us in my room split into various shows that cause us each varying amount of stress. But, besides the last bit, that song is playing in the back of my head, mostly one line. Disregarding certain parts besides the line ‘all my life I’ve good, but now, I’m thinking what the hell’ is something that consistently sticks with me whenever I hear this song. Why? Because, if I were to fall into one of many categories, good girl is one that would follow me through my whole life long.

I remember being vehemently against being called ‘goody two shoes’ in elementary school, even if it was really very true. By this point is somewhat less true because I am not afraid to tell people exactly what I think of them in most cases, it still is. I don’t do anything that could be even vaguely considered ‘bad’. I don’t get drunk. I don’t have sex with random people (even if I probably wouldn’t be opposed to that). I do my work. I go to class, unless I really need a day to myself. I go to work. I care about spending habits. I hate people paying for things for me. I have a plan A, B, and C for my career (child psychologist, advertising, and teaching as an absolute last resort. I like kids, but not twenty at a time). I don’t stir things up in my family, even if I think some of them need serious intervention. I want to tell people about things that are causing me distress, but I don’t because I know other’s have things going on. If I tell someone about things, that’s only because it’s either A) unavoidable or B) I seriously trust the person or C) whatever the problem is won’t affect them in any way/have them worry about me.

None of those things are exactly bad, but in some ways doing them could be perceived as so by certain people. Like I said, I’m the good girl who takes no risks.

I think I mentioned before that, yet again, on my list of things to change this year is my non-risky behavior. It’s not like I’m going to do stupid things, it’s just a matter of doing more things. I don’t want to have regrets when I’m laying on my death bed. I want to be able to think back and smile at some of the things I did. I want to have stories to tell about some wonderful summer fling, or some silly thing my friends and I did one night out.

Perhaps it’s strange to want these things, but whenever people tell stories…I have none to tell in return. Yes, I have a couple but they’ve been in the cycle for so long…I feel like it’s repetitive to tell them anymore. I’ve been adult since I was ten or so, and it’s really starting to get on my nerves that I’m always the adult. Even fifty year olds aren’t adults all the time.

It’s going to take a little bit for me to shake off my ‘stay safe, don’t get hurt physically or emotionally’ mentality, but…I’m hoping at some point I will be able to. I remember this painting I made when I was younger; a heart made of bricks that was already broken. It basically was meant as I haven’t given myself a chance to be hurt, but I’ve still managed to be hurt simply because I have not let myself have that chance. I’m hurting because I’m perfectly aware that I may be on my own my whole life long, and I don’t want that. Yet I’m much too careful with myself to do anything that might help me not be alone.

That painting was made in middle school, and, years later, it still holds true.

At some point, I’ll gain a new story to tell, a new memory to hold on to. At some point, I’ll say ‘what the hell’.

Birthdays

So, I’m older today. The funny part is, I think this is the first time I ever actually¬†feel older. Any other birthday, even the ‘milestones’, I’ve never felt anything other than ‘oh, it’s my birthday’. I didn’t do anything today besides spend some quality time with myself, helped along by class being canceled, which is something I rather enjoy compared to being around people.

It’s definitely not my being alone that had me feel older for once in my good amount of years. I think the reason behind this is there having been quite a bit of change from how my life had been previously. Before, every year ticked off was rather identical to the last one with very few changes to my daily life. I’m not really speaking about having moved, even though that is a big change, but I think it deals more with my inner changes.

As I had mentioned, I am, in general, more happy. I also have managed to cultivate new friends, who have probably influenced me a bit in ways I cannot pinpoint. But it’s mostly the happy part that I think is important here. I say that because that is a major change, and growing older is supposed to be a collection of changes. Since I never had big changes in my life, my age didn’t seem to matter, but now it is different.

I think I like this feeling, though, the feeling of there being some sort of change is nice. I rather hope this keeps up for the coming years, even if I’m not optimistic on it, I still hope.

Happy New Year!

A bit belated, but still.

I have yet another lists of, for a better term than resolutions, goals I hope to meet this year. I had a few from last year, the list did not get finished. This year seems a bit more plausible to happen, especially since most is working to my goal of traveling next summer. I may not even have to work over this summer, if all goes well. I didn’t bother adding ‘finish writing a book’ this time around, since I kind of sort of have to for my Jan Term class. So that’s the extra push that might actually have me finish, since I do not want to be a ‘wannabe writer’ my whole life long. I’m not so worried about not being able to meet certain goals this year, since, like I said, they seem more meetable.

Except for the whole ‘take more risks’ thing…but saving up to go to another country next year on my lonesome is a bit out of the norm… So maybe that counts.

I find it interesting how, when people look to the future, it’s so vastly different from how it truly is. This idea falls into resolutions and other such things, since we say we’ll do something but don’t do. (My saving is not one of those times, I swear I’m doing it!) But it also falls under all those movies that guessed at how these years would be. One of the most popularly mentioned ones is¬†Back to the Future 2. Why? Because it’s set in 2015. So, if we go off that, we’re supposed to dress entirely ridiculously (though some of our styles are near to that in some ways). We also should have hoverboards. Though every last generation has been waiting for that flying car since forever, and we’ve all lacked it. The one thing they seem to have right is video-communication being widespread. And, well, it is in general.

Though another way that it is different, involves how children see the future. I know that at least my friends and I when we were little would look at the people on TV and in movies and think ‘I’ll dress like that when I’m a teenager/twenty/thirty/etc.’, but, of course, when we reached that age group, the styles were so far out of time. That doesn’t stop me, really, if I could find more of what I wanted, I would. I’m already halfway there with fishnets, boots, and this skirt and sweater set I have. But, still, in general, the styles most of us were waiting to wear, aren’t really easy to find. Unless you do some serious mix and matching to make it how you want. And some things, especially some 80’s style clothing, will stick out like a sore thumb. If you’re like me, that’s absolute torture. If it weren’t for that, I would probably mix 80’s and 90’s and semi-Victorian era and maybe 20’s style clothing. Not all at once, but still.

So, when you imagine fashion as a child, generally, it will be different even just in those ten or twenty years. Styles recycle, yes, but there’s always a small difference. Like capes. Capes are a thing again, but not for the purpose they were so many years ago; which was warmth, not appearance. With that small change of need, the coloring and such changes. Mini skirts have changed, too. Much less often are they animal skin print, but rather solid block colors.

All in all, even the smallest aspects of the future are difficult to predict. You can try, but things move slower than we hope, like hover cars. And some things move faster, like phones and computers.I’m interested in what this year, and the next many years, will bring. I hope for good changes, but my realistic side says that will be more difficult than changing clothing styles.

For now, I’ll just stick to getting my hair cut to how my little five-year old self always dreamed of.