What the Hell

My roommate had been playing this earlier, before the three of us in my room split into various shows that cause us each varying amount of stress. But, besides the last bit, that song is playing in the back of my head, mostly one line. Disregarding certain parts besides the line ‘all my life I’ve good, but now, I’m thinking what the hell’ is something that consistently sticks with me whenever I hear this song. Why? Because, if I were to fall into one of many categories, good girl is one that would follow me through my whole life long.

I remember being vehemently against being called ‘goody two shoes’ in elementary school, even if it was really very true. By this point is somewhat less true because I am not afraid to tell people exactly what I think of them in most cases, it still is. I don’t do anything that could be even vaguely considered ‘bad’. I don’t get drunk. I don’t have sex with random people (even if I probably wouldn’t be opposed to that). I do my work. I go to class, unless I really need a day to myself. I go to work. I care about spending habits. I hate people paying for things for me. I have a plan A, B, and C for my career (child psychologist, advertising, and teaching as an absolute last resort. I like kids, but not twenty at a time). I don’t stir things up in my family, even if I think some of them need serious intervention. I want to tell people about things that are causing me distress, but I don’t because I know other’s have things going on. If I tell someone about things, that’s only because it’s either A) unavoidable or B) I seriously trust the person or C) whatever the problem is won’t affect them in any way/have them worry about me.

None of those things are exactly bad, but in some ways doing them could be perceived as so by certain people. Like I said, I’m the good girl who takes no risks.

I think I mentioned before that, yet again, on my list of things to change this year is my non-risky behavior. It’s not like I’m going to do stupid things, it’s just a matter of doing more things. I don’t want to have regrets when I’m laying on my death bed. I want to be able to think back and smile at some of the things I did. I want to have stories to tell about some wonderful summer fling, or some silly thing my friends and I did one night out.

Perhaps it’s strange to want these things, but whenever people tell stories…I have none to tell in return. Yes, I have a couple but they’ve been in the cycle for so long…I feel like it’s repetitive to tell them anymore. I’ve been adult since I was ten or so, and it’s really starting to get on my nerves that I’m always the adult. Even fifty year olds aren’t adults all the time.

It’s going to take a little bit for me to shake off my ‘stay safe, don’t get hurt physically or emotionally’ mentality, but…I’m hoping at some point I will be able to. I remember this painting I made when I was younger; a heart made of bricks that was already broken. It basically was meant as I haven’t given myself a chance to be hurt, but I’ve still managed to be hurt simply because I have not let myself have that chance. I’m hurting because I’m perfectly aware that I may be on my own my whole life long, and I don’t want that. Yet I’m much too careful with myself to do anything that might help me not be alone.

That painting was made in middle school, and, years later, it still holds true.

At some point, I’ll gain a new story to tell, a new memory to hold on to. At some point, I’ll say ‘what the hell’.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ntdc
    Jan 18, 2015 @ 17:15:56

    ‘What the hell’ is often a really good attitude, but sometimes anything but. Nobody should let hearing or reading people speaking about them being good as being something bad 😛 get to them, it´s not. for the most part someone who is a good person is something great and people make fun often of things they can´t understand or can´t reach themselves, but of course the best is often to do what one wants, which sometimes might be being good, sometimes being bad, and sometimes it´s the best to do what one thinks right, even if it means being good 😉

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    Reply

    • Deidre
      Jan 19, 2015 @ 02:28:11

      It’s not so much that it gets to me, so much as…hm, don’t know, it just bothers me I don’t do things that I mostly want to do because I’m being careful/am behaving.
      But, yes, I know you’ve a point, best to do what is right and all, that I can agree with 🙂

      Like

      Reply

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