Hidden Desires

To be perfectly honest, I should be sleeping. My friends have the right idea; enjoy the hotel beds for as long as we can, since we have to get up early in the morning. But I couldn’t sleep in the first place, and now, after a shower of course my mind has wandered. If I’m honest with myself, it might be in part due to Valentine’s being tomorrow, well, today. I’ve never been a big fan of this holiday, even when I was in relationship during this day once a long time ago. I just don’t see it’s point, but with everything boasting love and happiness…you can’t help but think. Well, after you think of the discounted chocolate to go on sale the 15th and 16th.

In any case, I’ve realized I don’t get attached real easy, but, when I do, it’s a close attachment. I care about you, I worry for your well-being, and I’m highly empathetic and cannot stand it if you’re upset with me. Apparently this translates over to crushes. Yes, the general time for crushes to last is four months, and, supposedly, anything over that means you are in love. In my adult life, I suppose I’ve had two crushes that people who apply that logic would call love. I did not love at least one of these individuals, I’m still contemplating the other. One of these was a two year long crush, not much helped by this friend’s flirty behavior. Of course I flirted back. Friends knew I was interested in him. I still don’t know if he knew it or not. All I know for certain is that seeing him flirt with others hurt me and broke this illusion I had that he felt the same way to me as I felt to him. People told me to tell him how I felt; I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. So i stayed quiet, even when I was on the brink of tears one day because the illusion was crashing so hard.

One of the last times I saw him, he kissed my cheek and I felt so ecstatic. And then he promptly asked where another friend/acquaintance was who I knew he was acting his flirty-self with, too, was. This girl was in the same state as I was; liking him but keeping her mouth shut. Only she hadn’t been secretly desiring him for two years. Either way, knowing that he wanted to find her kind of…. I guess it was the last ‘illusion break’ it took for me to be able to move on.

My issue with these hidden desires I seem to keep harboring is that I try to stuff it down until someone does that sometime that gives me hope again. It makes me hope, it makes me want, and when I realize it’s stupid and silly and that they want nothing the like in return…it makes me teary eyed. Because it hurts. And it hurts so much when you sit there and realize you’ve spent so much energy hiding this emotion for years. Sometimes you can even manage to hide it from yourself, until it pops its ugly head back up again, whispering these fantasies into your ear. But you stuff it down again, as best you can, and try to move on.

I think one of my friends is like me. She’s bolder than I am, yet she doesn’t like telling people if she really likes them. The only difference is, she tells our group of friends. We give her advice, we try to help. We want to beat up the person that makes her so tired. With me? No one even knows these things I’m feeling. The two year long crush was one that was only known because of the fact I was flirting back with him. I was a bit more open and playful with my affections, just…keeping it more on the friendly side. Basically if there were no seats and he offered his lap…I didn’t say no. If he wasn’t a bit flirty himself and the amount of time he and I were around the same people was quite large, no one would have known.

It sucks stuffing emotions down into the dark and dusty corners of your hear that even you forget about sometimes. And, as much as I hate to say it, sometimes it truly is the only viable and helpful option. It’s the same advice I gave to a few friends before. You could always go tell the person, but…sometimes it’s just best to not.

Hidden desires aren’t always so hurtful and sad as my experience with them, though. In a try to be optimistic, for others than myself granted, I will say this: sometimes these hidden feelings can be expressed in the smallest of ways, whether it be in connection to wanting to be with someone or wanting a certain career path or whatever else, and that small action can push things forward so that you do have your desire met. Not all hidden desires are meant to die with you, sometimes they’ll grow and blossom into something so very wonderful. Sometimes you can be lucky. Sometimes you need to reveal your want. Even if you’re afraid doing so will end horribly, there’s a good enough chance it will go well. So, well, since today’s the day before discount chocolate day: if you feel a strong way to someone, let them know. Even if it’s just friendship, tell them that you care. And if however you feel is hidden in that dark, dusty corner? Maybe think about sweeping it into the open.

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