Vulnerability

I started out thinking I was going to write about Scholarship weekend that happened last weekend, but now I feel that I’m going to write about something else. Though I will say it was a good experience and I had been paired with the sweetest of girls, as did my friends. We all know at least one confirmed, while we’re all collectively hoping that the rest will come here as well.

But what I’m going to actually speak on is how I was recently vulnerable. The thing is, when people are getting to know me, it takes time. it takes years to really know me, and I still have a lot of friends who don’t know everything. Maybe one or two know more than the others and that’s only because one is known over the internet (no shame, quite proud actually) and the other because they’ve known me since middle school. And that was a long time ago, so knowing people for a few months and being any sort of vulnerable is…a big deal for me. I’m a generally open book, but I hide big things from people. My views on religion are closely guarded unless I find like-minded people or open-minded people, a good portion of my family still assumes I’m Christian/Catholic and I’ve never actually voiced what I am to my friends, though I guess they kind of assume I’m some sort of off-shoot of something. And then if I’m ever having an issue, I tend to internalize the problem and try to either ignore it or deal with it on my own. I might mention something here or there, or simply seem sad and like I was crying, but I never say anything. I always say I’m alright, even if I feel beat up on the inside. Talking about things is…hard.

The last time I spoke to someone about a ‘big’ issue, was with that friend I know online. Admittedly I mentioned it a little bit to a friend that drove me someplace to get that checked on/walked in when I may have tearing up over certain possibilities, but that was out of necessity. If things turned out worse than they had, I wouldn’t have told anyone. It would’ve been a secret to myself with a smile on my face.

But this weekend, when my friend group and I were going out, I had some thing on my mind that made my heart hurt and, well, when we weren’t watching the movie or talking, I started crying. I managed to hide it well and at first only the friend sitting next to me in the dark car on the way back noticed something, but I only grinned and bore it. When we got back on the hand, they all noticed something off. I said I was fine, moved the topic on wards, but when it was only me and one friend in the room and she wouldn’t let it go, I told her. Ironically enough she and I have a similar issue going on, so it was easy-ish. If I tell my other friends or not is yet to be seen, if only because I don’t like talking about things in groups and I tell different people different snippets of my story. Why? Because certain people are better able to help with things. It doesn’t mean I’m pretending with anyone or that I don’t trust anyone, it’s just that I don’t tell everyone every thing nor at the same time. If my friends had all seen me crying and knew that’s what it was, they probably would’ve locked the door (as we apparently do now) and tried to see what was wrong. All with good intention, sure, but that’s not how I talk. I talk one on one, not four on one.

Either way, I was vulnerable sooner than I am with most people. I’m not sure if it’s because we see each other every day or what, I just know that shows a lot of trust on my part. Being vulnerable is a scary, scary thing to me. It’s like a giant mountain covered in ice for me; something really hard to climb over. Probably that’s part of why all romantic relationships/potential relationships, go the way they do for me. In any case, it’s a big thing for me to tackle so soon.

This realization in and of itself is scary. I’ll have to see where this goes to know if I should be afraid or not.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. mederia
    Feb 24, 2015 @ 07:39:19

    *hugs*

    Like

    Reply

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