Fears and Insecurities

A bit of warning: this is not so happy or anything, more introspective than anything else. And the only reason I’m posting is because, well, it seems relevant. Maybe someone will read it an relate, I don’t know, but it’s there.

Apparently something as simple as going out to eat and a movie with some friends makes me rather introspective. Granted this is something that has been tickling the back of my mind for a good couple of days, but I only really now am thinking of it. It’s really strange being introspective, since it makes a lot of things glaringly obvious. You know where certain hings come from and you know what they are, but that doesn’t mean that you can so easily fix them.

Let me start with how I am in platonic or romantic relationships, since it’s basically the same for both: It takes a while, as mentioned before, for me to trust people. And even then, something I read had me realize that I really only let them see small pieces of the puzzle; enough that they seem to have the whole picture, but not really letting them have it all. There are a lot of things I keep to myself that, unless you know me for many years, you will never see. There’s this guarded part of me that is such a rare thing to be seen, that I’m only half certain of what it is. I just know I hold back with people because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I don’t want to be hurt by people I grew to care about, so I keep a part of myself safe to put that off. If a friendship fades, I hurt, yes, but not as much as I could. And if a relationship doesn’t work out, it probably only lasted four months anyway with my track record (and that’s a whole other thing all together). I keep myself safe, and only because I very quickly learned the world is a cruel place and letting everything you are show is a quick way to be hurt. Sometimes the soft-hearted have to have brick walls put up.

One of those walls happens to be keeping people at an arm’s distance. Some people get closer than others, but I’m afraid of that happening when I realize it. Sometimes people sneak in, but if I know someone is getting too close…I guess I self-destruct the relationship. I hide away a bit. If we don’t see each other daily, I stop trying. Probably the other person doesn’t try but so hard. And, even if they do, I’ve been guilty of not always replying to text. I remember just last year I id this very thing. Someone was getting too close too fast, and…I just made it stop. I was afraid. I feel bad for having slowly cut off communication, but I was scared. I have enough friends, and having more just opens up more ways to be possibly hurt. That’s why I take my time, like testing the waters. I need to have people slowly ease into my life, otherwise I tend to run the other direction.

As wonderful as love at first sight seems in the movies and books, I would be the one to look like a startled deer and take off in the other direction as fast as my legs would carry me, as if I was being chased by a serial killer.

The few boyfriend-girlfriend relationships I have been in have all only lasted four months, all ending with friendship that either lasts or does not. Either way, we end on a peaceful note. All friendships I’ve had, if we don’t see each other often simply because we live close or attend the same classes, it’s likely to fizzle out. Apparently I don’t know how to manage relationships at all. With romantic ones, I think it mostly ends up being friends and all because of how long it takes me to trust people fully. You’re supposed to be open with your significant other, but how can you be if you’ve only been together for but so long? I don’t like to hold people back, and I guess a part of me worries that I’m not worth waiting for my trust. Actually, no, I know a part of me fears not being good enough. As much as I would love to welcome love into my life, it’s hard. And it goes with friendships in a way as well: if we don’t see each other often, I assume you probably didn’t want to see me anyway, so I just let myself fade. I know it’s silly to think that in every case, but it’s one of those thoughts I cannot help.

All of this can really trace back to teh fear of being hurt, I suppose, which is a surprisingly common fear I’ve realized. And it’s one of those that can manifest in many ways. Whether it is constantly apologizing when you perceive yourself as having upset someone (guilty) or just throwing up every wall possible that people have to work to get to know you and thinking that they will give up on the way. The fear of being hurt is a lot like a fear of death, it worms its way into so many aspects of life that it creates insecurities in its wake. I’m afraid of being hurt and I’m full of insecurities when it comes to my personality, my friends, my future, my relationships, my everything. I don’t make a step without detailed planning and ten backup plans simply because I’m afraid of falling into the abyss of emptiness, having a darkness converging on me as all my prospects and potential simply…fizzled out. I don’t want that. I want to reach my goals. I want to reach my full potential. Also I’m afraid of the dark, so that adds to that, too.

Hurt, the dark, and spiders. All of them have in common that one thing, fear. But only one of them creates insecurities.

And an update now that I’m fully awake and not procrastinating things: I know this all sounds like I don’t reach out at all to people I count as friends, when, in fact, I do. If I’ve known you for a goo amount of years and we’ve connected, I’ve probably reached a point where I’l reach out even if you go MIA from our normal meeting spots (classes, work, etc.) by text or whatever our means of communication is. And if I reach out that means you matter a whole hell of a lot to me. That also means the few people who matter that much to me hold the ability to hurt me, which is showing just how much faith I put into whoever. So, yes, I do reach out if you matter so very much to me. If we have only a blossoming friendship? I can’t make promises.