One of the classes I am currently taking is about the history of sexuality in America. A class as such does include speaking on using sex, and therefore rape, as something to establish power alongside how certain aspects of sexuality other than the physical act go with that. Today we just happened to speak about racial power and sexuality mostly after the civil war but a bit before then as well.

A number of things were spoken about, but one thing that stuck out to me was a graph that showed certain spikes of lynchings. One was around the later 1800s with slaves being freed and gaining some more standing and what you are more often hearing about. The other spike, oddly enough, was during the 1920s, which was suggested to deal possibly with blacks leaving the south to go up north. Unfortunately the map and graph only focused on the south, but it still painted an interesting picture.

With the changes going on recently and more focus being put on police brutality and racial profiling, it’s hard not to recognize some similarities. I am not saying this has anything to do with anything in particular, but when people are putting nooses around statues of people or on hanging trees historically known for lynchings, it’s a bit distrubing. I’m not but so knowledgeable in this area, so I won’t pretend to know more than I do, but I do know that history has a tendency to repeat itself. And that graph that showed the spikes isn’t helping to show any different. If history repeats itself, then with certain social movements on the rise, it makes sense that, with more vocalization placed on racial inequality, that more violence will start to show itself.

With any movement or small poking at the status quo, there is a push back. Yes, some people go about protesting in the wrong way, but there also those who go about it in a peaceful way. History has its peaks of protests, its peaks of violence, and its peaks of rights being fought for for one group while neglected for another. History repeats itself in an endless cycle which I highly doubt will end unless humans evolve drastically or become extinct. Even then, history will repeat itself because that is the natural way of the Earth.

So what can be done with the cycles? Not much, but you can do something during those cycles. You can get involved in things if you so wish, or simply better yourself and those around you. Small steps can be more important than big ones sometimes.

While peaks are a part of history, things like peaks of violence are unnecessary and everything that can be done to stop them, should be done. But human nature is a tricky thing, so that probably won’t happen. But speaking up is always a good thing. Just remember that, when you speak up, to think of it in terms of intersectionality as well. Some groups are pushed to the wayside when certain issues arise, but don’t let those groups be pushed aside. Help them, help everyone help each other. Working together creates a bigger voice than working alone.

A Year Off

I think all those people who can afford a year off right after high school have a point. I could never have afforded the luxury since I can barely afford more education as it is. The only thing I have going for me are the loans and grants. But even so, that doesn’t stop me from having decided to take a year off once I’ve graduated in three more years. I could still graduate early, but with how things are going it seems like it would be better if I didn’t…at least if you don’t count the money I’ll be loosing.

In any case: a year off is in my future. Yes, part of that year will be spent working to get enough money to afford this trip, but otherwise I’m going to someplace in Europe and probably try to hit a few choice places. Or I’ll just go to Germany and work on getting settled there and figuring out more about the universities. Though if I find a job that won’t include me getting more education, I won’t say no. Whatever I’m doing, it’s going to be something new and different and just…freedom. At least to me that’s a sort of freedom, when I start making money will be another type.

I’ve been in school since I was in kindergarten, since I was five, and before that my mom was teaching my brother and I the basics like the alphabet, our colors, and our numbers, so I’ve been in something near to school for all of my life. From elementary to middle to high then to community college and now a four year. That’s a lot of years spent in school when I could have been doing other things. I want to enjoy my life, and going straight to another handful of years of school for another expensive piece of paper…it’s not enjoyable. It’s not boring, but it’s not what I want to do. If I was in community college right now, I could easily take a year off right now. But being where I am, it would be weird to come back after a year considering what I’m already working towards.

So I’m going to take a year off after I have one thousands of dollars piece of paper in my hands, and just dance and explore and drink and eat and see and just¬†enjoy because I can.¬†I will need this break come then since I’m already feeling a bit of stress that is probably only a peek into what I will experience within the next couple of years. And I do not want to know how it will be for my upper degree. Right now I’m just going to focus on my studies, my plan for next summer, and my plans for that one lovely year that will be without any hint of school work.

I have to say, just thinking of that makes me happy. A year where school can suck it? Hell yes.

Creative Endings

I made the mistake of reading things and letting my mind wander. I had planned to be productive as I have a few papers due, but that didn’t happen. This kind of goes on a bit of what I wrote recently, but not at the same time. Like I’ve mentioned before I tend to stuff things down into a corner if I think it’ll cause things to end badly. Again my mind is drifting to a certain hidden desire due to something I was reading.

I have a habit of imaging multiple good outcomes, no matter how unlikely they may be, no matter how pessimistic I may be that things will work well. But when I read things about people telling people things and it not ending in the fiery pits of hell, it makes me more sad than anything else. Things like that would give most people hope, but not so much me. Why doesn’t it make me hopeful? Because I’m painfully realistic. I know saying things will mess things up and I would lose someone who means a lot to me in the process. And I don’t want that. I’d rather hurt in one way instead of hurting in the alternative way. But it happens, that’s life, I suppose.

There isn’t much point to this, since the details are between me, myself, and my diary. It’s just the little bits, like the overarching ‘things will end badly’ sign even though so many people have had luck in their own lives. It’s good for them, and I know I shouldn’t be carrying around the bad feeling, but, well, it’s just one of those things. I’ve mentioned before I don’t like taking risks. My luck also tends to skew towards not so great, so I’m not holding my breath. I’m glad for the people that these types of things work out for, but for me? As tired as I am of keeping things to myself, it’s easier this way. It doesn’t make endings.

Of course there are good things in my life, it’s just that one aspect that is a bit lacking. People might say I shouldn’t worry about that at this point in my life, but when I’m feeling some type of way for someone specific, that makes it harder. But, if I’m lucky, just another long lasting crush that will fade in the coming years and I won’t feel this way. Until someone else comes along. If I’m unlucky, I’ll feel this way for the rest of my life and be unable to do anything about it. But that’s yet to be seen. Maybe I’ll be extremely lucky and things will go really well and one of those creative endings about how things could go, like riding off into a sunset as cliche as that is, will happen. But I’m not counting on the latter.