Creative Endings

I made the mistake of reading things and letting my mind wander. I had planned to be productive as I have a few papers due, but that didn’t happen. This kind of goes on a bit of what I wrote recently, but not at the same time. Like I’ve mentioned before I tend to stuff things down into a corner if I think it’ll cause things to end badly. Again my mind is drifting to a certain hidden desire due to something I was reading.

I have a habit of imaging multiple good outcomes, no matter how unlikely they may be, no matter how pessimistic I may be that things will work well. But when I read things about people telling people things and it not ending in the fiery pits of hell, it makes me more sad than anything else. Things like that would give most people hope, but not so much me. Why doesn’t it make me hopeful? Because I’m painfully realistic. I know saying things will mess things up and I would lose someone who means a lot to me in the process. And I don’t want that. I’d rather hurt in one way instead of hurting in the alternative way. But it happens, that’s life, I suppose.

There isn’t much point to this, since the details are between me, myself, and my diary. It’s just the little bits, like the overarching ‘things will end badly’ sign even though so many people have had luck in their own lives. It’s good for them, and I know I shouldn’t be carrying around the bad feeling, but, well, it’s just one of those things. I’ve mentioned before I don’t like taking risks. My luck also tends to skew towards not so great, so I’m not holding my breath. I’m glad for the people that these types of things work out for, but for me? As tired as I am of keeping things to myself, it’s easier this way. It doesn’t make endings.

Of course there are good things in my life, it’s just that one aspect that is a bit lacking. People might say I shouldn’t worry about that at this point in my life, but when I’m feeling some type of way for someone specific, that makes it harder. But, if I’m lucky, just another long lasting crush that will fade in the coming years and I won’t feel this way. Until someone else comes along. If I’m unlucky, I’ll feel this way for the rest of my life and be unable to do anything about it. But that’s yet to be seen. Maybe I’ll be extremely lucky and things will go really well and one of those creative endings about how things could go, like riding off into a sunset as cliche as that is, will happen. But I’m not counting on the latter.

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