Memoirs of a College First Year #5

I can’t really say I’m a first year anymore for much longer. I shouldn’t really say that now, since I’ve already been to community college before this, but it’s the easiest explanation as mentioned before. My final grades are in, grades I am not exactly proud of, but they’re in. I passed everything at least. This is more of a reflection post, I suppose, since I can mostly only write of what I have learned seeing as I am now at home for the summer hoping and praying for a job. Too many false hopes already.

I’ve changed over this year. I guess being away from the town you’ve been in for decades does that to someone, meeting new friends helps, too. I’m still a hopeless romantic who would much rather build castles in the sky, living in them endlessly, but I am still aware of the real world and the difficulties there. But that doesn’t stop me from hoping and dreaming. It doesn’t stop me from thinking of fantastical things every second of every day, even if I know those imaginings are unreachable or, at the very least, near impossible to grab without a fight. Even with the similarities to how I have been, I know I’ve grown a bit. I’ve accepted a few things about myself, mostly emotion-wise. I’ve changed some plans for my career path, mostly in the way of back up plans. None of my dreams have changed, none of my wants have changed, but I’m more…out of my shell i guess you could say. I want to say that I’m more like I used to be, since god knows I’m still getting over things from when I was little and fresh faced, But I know that’s more or less impossible, since that ‘used to be’ was when I was in kindergarten. Ah, the easy years. Nap times that I hated but would love now, nice people, nice teachers… So I can’t exactly be like I used to be, but I think I’m getting closer to how much more outgoing I had been. Hard to believe maybe, but I used to be less shy. Shyness for me is more of a learned trait.

Trying to think of what I have learned is definitely harder than I thought. But the funny thing is, the fact that I haven’t learned anything is probably good. I like to think that means that I am about as ‘grown’ as I’ll get. But I’ve had to deal with new problems. Not of my own, since my problems, as they are, have existed since before I went away to my four-year college. But I’ve had to help other people, my group of friends, with their’s. Some have been similar to other issues that have cropped up in the past, while others have been completely new. I suppose that’s a bit of what I’ve learned, new ways to deal with different things that people go through.

Other than being a bit more outgoing and what I count as socially brave, I think I’ve stayed the same. My friends have told me that I am more out of my shell, as I mentioned, than when they first met me, but that’s about it. Perhaps I am a bit more confident about my looks. I still think I’m average, but I also think I’m a pretty average. So that’s an improvement. Realizing I have a slender hourglass figure helped there, too. But I’m not sure I can count coming out of my shell as truly changing, since that is really just me showing more of how I am. It’s not me being different, only me being…more me.

So I’m going to keep building my castles in the sky, even if my pessimism will make reaching them difficult. The castles with all their fantasies will stay and they’ll wait for me. At least most of them will wait. For the ones that won’t wait, I’m still working on trying to make them happen. I know some won’t happen, and that breaks my heart, but I don’t plan to give up so easily. I might cry a little in the process of doing what I can, I might ache more often than I would like to, but I’m going to hope. I’ll hope until there’s no reason to hope any more.

You know, maybe clinging to hope is something I’ve learned. I used to see no point in hoping, no point in thinking things will go how I would like them to. I would dismiss idle fantasies until there was a lot of things pointing to it happening. Now…now my fantasies are stronger. Now my hopeless romanticism gets its own cloud castle. This is good in its own way. It might hurt when they crash down, but it’s good for now.

I just hope the coming years are just as helpful as this has been. I hope to keep the friends I have made, see them go where they wish to go, and I hope to propel myself forward as well. I like to think sticking to this whole college thing will be worth it someday. Both for my career and for me personally. It already has been.

What I want to say to all those who are going back to college, going to a four-year institution for the first time, or the high school seniors starting college next school year: this may be over said, but college is more than just for academics. Enjoy what you can learn from the others around you, enjoy what you can learn about yourself. Enjoy the fact that you will grow, no matter how old you are, you will. In some way, you will grow and become a, hopefully, better person. Even though student debt is on the rise in America, it is worth it. I am hesitant to say that only because I hate the idea of owing money, but it is worth it if you can afford it somehow. If you can afford it, do it. For your career and for yourself.

The Angel

Stumbled upon a brief description of some angel types and this happened:

“You know, the more I see of you, the more I swear you are human,” he murmured, brushing a hand through her hair before letting it wrap around her again. The two were entwined on his bed, simply cuddling, clothes still on and all, but it would be evident to even an outside how closely connected these two were. He was topless with some pajama pants on, blonde hair crowning his head with deep blue eyes peering out from his face. She seemed like the exact opposite; dark brown skin with long brown hair with brown eyes. She was dressed in a long, flowing white gown.

“I only seem so because you’re used to me now,” she replied in amusement, though she didn’t state her worry. She had heard the stories, of angels falling or changing in some other way because of those they watched over. But it was normal to feel love for their humans, after all, there was a reason for an angel-human pairing. The two had to connect somehow, even if the human would never see their angel. She had watched him for a long time, slowly but surely feeling more for him and wanting to speak to him, to have him know she existed. She watched his heart get broken a number of times, her own heart breaking for him. She kept things from causing him harm often enough, just as her job demanded. His time was ¬†along time from now, and she knew it. So it didn’t hurt to come and see him as often as she did. And when he saw her… He seemed so happy. He seemed even happier once he got to know her. She didn’t tell him about what she was for a long time, but he seemed understanding and unsurprised when he found out.

“So this is really the last time I can really see you?,” he asked after some moments of silence, burying his face in the crook of her neck and her hair. She knew he was upset, it was hard for him to hide such things really. She sighed and nodded, not saying anything for some long moments.

“If I keep seeing you….I won’t be able to protect you. The Virtues, the Dominions…even one of the Seraphims told me as much. You know they liked loosing angels, even the lowest ranking…. And I don’t who they would assign to you next. A new assignment could mean that you-,” she cut off, biting her lip as sadness welled up inside of her. She didn’t want him to die. he was so vibrant, so alive, so wonderful that the earth and the other humans needed his presence. She loved him and she knew that, one day, some human woman would love him as much as she did and would make him happy. One day his heart wouldn’t break. “I’m so sorry, but…it has to be. I’ll still be here, and maybe after a few years I can visit again.”

“I know. I’ll wait,” he murmured in a promise. She wanted to say he shouldn’t, that he wouldn’t want to after so long, but she didn’t. She knew he would argue, so she only smiled softly and let him fall asleep, his breath soft on her neck. Once she was sure he was truly asleep, when the sun was just casting its first rays into the night sky, she carefully moved away from him and over to the window. She took a note out and set it down on a table nearby with a white rose and feather lain across it.

The angel looked over to her human, tears welling up in her eyes. He looked so innocent, so free, when he was sleeping… Before she could change her mind, she turned and hurried to the window, throwing it open and jumping out. White, feathery wings immediately billowed out from her back, her form becoming even more ethereal. Her eyes turned a molten gold, her hair grew impossibly longer, and her skin smoothed out.

As she took the skies, climbing up higher and higher as dawn grew stronger, one thought pervaded her mind: this would be her last visit for a long while.

Recognizing the Lows

I’ve been happy for a while now, but recently things have been tipping over one by one and negative thoughts keep finding their way into my head. But there’s something different this time which is making me rather happy, to be honest.Usually one of the thoughts to come at me is that “People have bigger problems. Look at [insert friend’s name here] or what’s going on in [insert place here].” And, yes, that has happened this time, only this time I realized I’m perfectly allowed my own negative thoughts and feelings, even if they aren’t the most healthy to begin with, they are still allowed. Sure, it’s nothing compared to other people’s issues, but its still allowed and other things going on doesn’t diminish my problem.

Honestly, finally figuring that out makes this drop better than others.

Don’t get me wrong, it still took a lot for me to decide that I will in fact still go to spring cocktail with my friends ( hey, it’s free) but having that little push that I’m allowed to be upset….somehow it helps. It makes my thoughts and feelings seem more valid, less like I should just ignore it, and not being able to usually makes me feel worse. But now I’m not worrying about ignoring these feelings.

While my lows are (thank gods) no where near anything that could be depressive as far as I’m aware and probably aren’t even the mild form whose name escapes me at the moment, this makes me think of the walk I was talked into volunteering for earlier. While I stand by the idea that walking wont necessarily help anyone, it’s still a good thing to bring awareness. There were different colored beads for people to wear for varying reasons: loss of a spouse, child, friend, parents, a loved one’s struggles, your own struggle, or just supporting. There were so many who had lost people or who knew people who are struggling when it comes to dealing with suicide and, I’m assuming, depression. Not to mention how many had the beads that showed their own struggle. I really can only imagine what goes on people’s heads with any of those things, and it all seems dark. The good thing about all this is that depression and suicide is a known thing, while suicide isn’t as studied as depression, it still is known. People, for the most part, know how to help at least a little. Less people think that people should pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and so on. Though, yes, there are still people who do, but it’s lesser. The ignorant numbers are shrinking.

To be honest, I think one of the most important things as a starting point is for people to notice when their lows hit. While I cannot claim to know more than textbook information and information from a friend who had had suicidal thoughts at one point in her life, I know that when my mood drops and when everything looks awful and all I want is to curl up in my bed and cry or sleep…I know that knowing my view is slightly distorted helps me. I know to focus more on the good things, or try to. I know what to do to get through that drop until it’s over again. Maybe for people who have depression and such things could be helped by knowing when their view isn’t entirely how the world is. I know cognitive therapy, which is essentially working to change someones thought process, is helpful for these people. Of course pills can help, too, but so can just working through one’s thoughts.

So if you’re someone who struggles with mild lows like myself or full-on depression or the milder, chronic form, just try to recognize when you are in a low. I know you probably do, but if not, can’t hurt to try. I’m not saying I’m an all knowing authority on this matter, as I’m not, and I know people have probably given you so many suggestions already…but just try it. And if that doesn’t work, please, find a therapist. They can help. I promise. Most depressive clients are able to get better and stay that way. So it doesn’t have to be a life long thing. These lows don’t always have to happen.