Numb

Today has been a long day. A very long, sad day. What makes it worse is that some people don’t even understand why people are so upset. People may be angry, but they’re mostly fearful. It’s one of those things that makes people walk around, dead eyed, and preferring to stay in bed and sleep. My friends and I all slept for a while today.

Classes were canceled or made optional. Everyone was comforting everyone. Kindness was shown when the worst of parts of humanity were revealed.

Trump won the electoral college. Not the popular vote so I don’t understand how that happened, but he did. A lot of people voted for him. And now he won. At first I cried, tried to tell myself it was a dream. Then I just felt nothing. Professor moved a test. Started crying again. Slept. Ate lunch robotically like everyone else. Went back to bed and slept through a class. One friend slept in another’s bed. I don’t think anyone wanted to be left to their own thoughts. Ate dinner. Some people made me smile, however briefly. I was angry again but people showing kindness made me sad once more. And now I’m back to numb.  I want to cry and scream, but I can’t muster the energy and numbness overlays that want.

He won.

I’m not even mad at him. It’s the fact people support him, that they believe what he says. That people are already threatening people already. It’s awful. Hate won. I was always taught that good and love win, but this time… This time there were only small victories, but the big bits were lost. The Senate. Congress. President.

It hurts my soul. And it hurts worse that people don’t even understand why people are upset. We’re upset because we’re afraid. We’re upset because we look to what history has to show us. Walls and people who hate others don’t tend to go well together. We’re afraid for the state of the country and how it will affect the world.

Trump’s win isn’t just about him winning, it’s about how children are afraid of being ‘sent back’ to places they never came from. It’s about how people will feel emboldened and express their hate in words and actions. It’s about how people are already calling suicide lines at a higher rate than usual. I won’t be surprised if anxiety and depression rates climb, too.

I had a dream when I was little where everything was great and wonderful but then years later everything was burning. I thought in my dream I had children and a husband. But it seems that the burning has begun much sooner than expected.

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A Day of Unease

Today has been a day ridden with anxiety and simply attempting to not burst into tears. I’ve been focusing on doing things that make me happy like talking  to people I like, petting a puppy (thanks friend who brought her new furbaby!), wearing my onesie, sleeping, being alone, and so on. As it is, I’m likely going to wear this onesie to class and see how that goes.

My level of care is rather low, especially considering I didn’t make it to one class I actually like today. I woke up late and decided I’d just go back to sleep and try again. Trying again didn’t make the day better.

I wish I didn’t feel things as intensely as I do. But I can’t change that. As it stands, anything sad hurts my heart but if it’s something that is relatively common (even though it shouldn’t be), I don’t burst into tears randomly. Deaths hurt my soul, but shootings and wars and such are relatively ‘normal’ at this point so I don’t cry outwardly. Inwardly is a different story.

Today, on the other hand, is a major election day as most of the world probably knows due to the fact there’s a loud, racist, sexist, horrible excuse for a human being running along with another not so great option because of the general shadiness around some things she has done. Wish the first viable option for a woman president in the U.S. would be better, but, well, she’s what we’ve got.

But what has me so upset and prone to tears is that the loud one has a chance at winning. I hate how close they polls are showing and I hate that I actually have to have a contingency plan where I move my moving plans a few years early. It hurts. Today has got to be the longest day in my life so far. Now I’m just going to wait and see and hope that tomorrow won’t be worse. Either way, no matter who wins, something will happen. Something bad will occur. I can just feel it.

I hate that this hurts so much, that all of this is a possibility.

Since I cannot do much at this point, having already voted and begged the universe to be kind, I’m going to mess around with games and such until time for class. I could go harass my friends, but I’m just so tired and with how upset I am I wouldn’t want to bring anyone else into my mood. So my onesie and I will spend some quality time together before I struggle through this one last class of the day.

I May Be Back…Sort Of

One of my friends recently started writing a blog, and one thing led to another and basically I remembered this existed. I cannot promise regular or coherent posts, but I’m at least going to be having this in my mind from now on. Again, at least. The last time I stopped writing was mostly due to classes getting even more hectic, so we’ll see how this goes.

But looking back on some of my old posts, I’ve realized something: I’ve changed even in just these few years I’ve been where I am. I like to think I’ve grown into a better person due to those whom I’ve decided to surround myself by, but I suppose ‘better’ is relative. I’m still embarrassed by my old writings, such as one feels when looking at anything they wrote in the past. I know I cringe when I look at my old Facebook posts among other things. In any case, hopefully my thoughts can now reflect a growing person. I’ve come to realize a number of things about myself I may write about later, and I’ve just…become somewhat more content with who I am. I feel like I’m not searching half as much for who I am now.

It’s weird. But, well, I suppose that’s what time does. It helps you solidify who you are and what you care about, no matter how old you are. I know I’ll always be learning new things about myself and changing slowly over time no matter how much an ‘adult’ I may be.

So, if you’re out there and reading this: If you read my old posts and any newer ones, just keep in mind life is a journey and I know I’m damn sure still on it.