Numb

Today has been a long day. A very long, sad day. What makes it worse is that some people don’t even understand why people are so upset. People may be angry, but they’re mostly fearful. It’s one of those things that makes people walk around, dead eyed, and preferring to stay in bed and sleep. My friends and I all slept for a while today.

Classes were canceled or made optional. Everyone was comforting everyone. Kindness was shown when the worst of parts of humanity were revealed.

Trump won the electoral college. Not the popular vote so I don’t understand how that happened, but he did. A lot of people voted for him. And now he won. At first I cried, tried to tell myself it was a dream. Then I just felt nothing. Professor moved a test. Started crying again. Slept. Ate lunch robotically like everyone else. Went back to bed and slept through a class. One friend slept in another’s bed. I don’t think anyone wanted to be left to their own thoughts. Ate dinner. Some people made me smile, however briefly. I was angry again but people showing kindness made me sad once more. And now I’m back to numb.  I want to cry and scream, but I can’t muster the energy and numbness overlays that want.

He won.

I’m not even mad at him. It’s the fact people support him, that they believe what he says. That people are already threatening people already. It’s awful. Hate won. I was always taught that good and love win, but this time… This time there were only small victories, but the big bits were lost. The Senate. Congress. President.

It hurts my soul. And it hurts worse that people don’t even understand why people are upset. We’re upset because we’re afraid. We’re upset because we look to what history has to show us. Walls and people who hate others don’t tend to go well together. We’re afraid for the state of the country and how it will affect the world.

Trump’s win isn’t just about him winning, it’s about how children are afraid of being ‘sent back’ to places they never came from. It’s about how people will feel emboldened and express their hate in words and actions. It’s about how people are already calling suicide lines at a higher rate than usual. I won’t be surprised if anxiety and depression rates climb, too.

I had a dream when I was little where everything was great and wonderful but then years later everything was burning. I thought in my dream I had children and a husband. But it seems that the burning has begun much sooner than expected.

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