Numb

Today has been a long day. A very long, sad day. What makes it worse is that some people don’t even understand why people are so upset. People may be angry, but they’re mostly fearful. It’s one of those things that makes people walk around, dead eyed, and preferring to stay in bed and sleep. My friends and I all slept for a while today.

Classes were canceled or made optional. Everyone was comforting everyone. Kindness was shown when the worst of parts of humanity were revealed.

Trump won the electoral college. Not the popular vote so I don’t understand how that happened, but he did. A lot of people voted for him. And now he won. At first I cried, tried to tell myself it was a dream. Then I just felt nothing. Professor moved a test. Started crying again. Slept. Ate lunch robotically like everyone else. Went back to bed and slept through a class. One friend slept in another’s bed. I don’t think anyone wanted to be left to their own thoughts. Ate dinner. Some people made me smile, however briefly. I was angry again but people showing kindness made me sad once more. And now I’m back to numb.  I want to cry and scream, but I can’t muster the energy and numbness overlays that want.

He won.

I’m not even mad at him. It’s the fact people support him, that they believe what he says. That people are already threatening people already. It’s awful. Hate won. I was always taught that good and love win, but this time… This time there were only small victories, but the big bits were lost. The Senate. Congress. President.

It hurts my soul. And it hurts worse that people don’t even understand why people are upset. We’re upset because we’re afraid. We’re upset because we look to what history has to show us. Walls and people who hate others don’t tend to go well together. We’re afraid for the state of the country and how it will affect the world.

Trump’s win isn’t just about him winning, it’s about how children are afraid of being ‘sent back’ to places they never came from. It’s about how people will feel emboldened and express their hate in words and actions. It’s about how people are already calling suicide lines at a higher rate than usual. I won’t be surprised if anxiety and depression rates climb, too.

I had a dream when I was little where everything was great and wonderful but then years later everything was burning. I thought in my dream I had children and a husband. But it seems that the burning has begun much sooner than expected.

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A Day of Unease

Today has been a day ridden with anxiety and simply attempting to not burst into tears. I’ve been focusing on doing things that make me happy like talking  to people I like, petting a puppy (thanks friend who brought her new furbaby!), wearing my onesie, sleeping, being alone, and so on. As it is, I’m likely going to wear this onesie to class and see how that goes.

My level of care is rather low, especially considering I didn’t make it to one class I actually like today. I woke up late and decided I’d just go back to sleep and try again. Trying again didn’t make the day better.

I wish I didn’t feel things as intensely as I do. But I can’t change that. As it stands, anything sad hurts my heart but if it’s something that is relatively common (even though it shouldn’t be), I don’t burst into tears randomly. Deaths hurt my soul, but shootings and wars and such are relatively ‘normal’ at this point so I don’t cry outwardly. Inwardly is a different story.

Today, on the other hand, is a major election day as most of the world probably knows due to the fact there’s a loud, racist, sexist, horrible excuse for a human being running along with another not so great option because of the general shadiness around some things she has done. Wish the first viable option for a woman president in the U.S. would be better, but, well, she’s what we’ve got.

But what has me so upset and prone to tears is that the loud one has a chance at winning. I hate how close they polls are showing and I hate that I actually have to have a contingency plan where I move my moving plans a few years early. It hurts. Today has got to be the longest day in my life so far. Now I’m just going to wait and see and hope that tomorrow won’t be worse. Either way, no matter who wins, something will happen. Something bad will occur. I can just feel it.

I hate that this hurts so much, that all of this is a possibility.

Since I cannot do much at this point, having already voted and begged the universe to be kind, I’m going to mess around with games and such until time for class. I could go harass my friends, but I’m just so tired and with how upset I am I wouldn’t want to bring anyone else into my mood. So my onesie and I will spend some quality time together before I struggle through this one last class of the day.

I May Be Back…Sort Of

One of my friends recently started writing a blog, and one thing led to another and basically I remembered this existed. I cannot promise regular or coherent posts, but I’m at least going to be having this in my mind from now on. Again, at least. The last time I stopped writing was mostly due to classes getting even more hectic, so we’ll see how this goes.

But looking back on some of my old posts, I’ve realized something: I’ve changed even in just these few years I’ve been where I am. I like to think I’ve grown into a better person due to those whom I’ve decided to surround myself by, but I suppose ‘better’ is relative. I’m still embarrassed by my old writings, such as one feels when looking at anything they wrote in the past. I know I cringe when I look at my old Facebook posts among other things. In any case, hopefully my thoughts can now reflect a growing person. I’ve come to realize a number of things about myself I may write about later, and I’ve just…become somewhat more content with who I am. I feel like I’m not searching half as much for who I am now.

It’s weird. But, well, I suppose that’s what time does. It helps you solidify who you are and what you care about, no matter how old you are. I know I’ll always be learning new things about myself and changing slowly over time no matter how much an ‘adult’ I may be.

So, if you’re out there and reading this: If you read my old posts and any newer ones, just keep in mind life is a journey and I know I’m damn sure still on it.

Light and Dark

There’s a lot of darkness in the world lately.

People dying still, and new ones dying. Brutality from those you are supposed to be able to trust. Once more, people twisting religious texts, taking them literally, and killing over it, slandering the name of some religion. No religion is without flaws, but still, at their heart they all mean ‘be nice, don’t kill, bring light, bring your god’s word in some preferably peaceful manner’. But people always twist it. In small ways or big ways.

Then there’s the personal darknesses. Not the ones that affect the world, but the ones that affect only you and those in your immediate area. Domestic abuse. Depression. Even something as simple as fear.

With everything escalating, it almost seems like someone reopened Pandora’s box.

While I’m not so egotistical as to believe that I could change the world, make light reach ever corner (since, of course, there needs to be some darkness for light to exist), but I can try to do small things. Sadly, when I try to bring happiness, it only causes me and whoever I was trying to help be sad together. I mess that up a lot.

But I succeed often times as well.

When a friend laughs, smiles, or simply rolls their eyes but there’s an amusement there that they do not want to admit, I have succeeded. If I can make a stranger happy, then I have succeeded.

I might not save any one’s life, but if I can make their day better than I will be happy in my own way. Of course, making some people happy is more important than making others happy, but…still. If I can a few people who’s happiness doesn’t mean as much to me happy, then that’s good. If I can make one person who’s happiness means the world to me happy…then I am over the moon.

I’m not a happy person in general, so it’s not as if I’m giving my happiness away. I don’t have that ability as some do. But I’m still trying. If your my friend or else, I’ll hug you, let you cry (and probably cry with you), let you vent, make a funny a joke, send a cute picture and all that is just to make you smile. Everything I do is with good intention. I’m still learning how to make the good intention translate to the outcome, but I’m getting there. I think.

I know with one person who’s happiness means everything to me…we hadn’t had an issue with my tries for a long time. Only recently was there any issue. Now I jsut have to try and smooth that over, to get back to good happiness levels. Because I care so much, because this one person means so much.

With other friends, they mean a lot, too. I still do what I can. I still try to make them laugh with my odd humor, even if they don’t always get the joke. I hug. I smother them with physical affection, even if they don’t say they want it, because I like to think it helps. I don’t think a hug can fix all things, but I like to think it at least helps.

I have a big heart, I know that, that’s part of why I’m so ‘sensitive’.

But…if everyone could at least try to make one person happy, that one person that means everything to you happy, then the world would be so much better off. If you could try to make one person feel happiness to their core, it will spread out in a wonderful way.

I’m not naive. I know complete happiness is not always possible. But if there’s a chance everyone can make someone smile at least once every day, that would mean a whole world of change.

Just a Little Thing

This is more for musing than else. I’ve always known that I can’t always have things I want, and that I usually, more often than not, will not get what I want. This has been a common pattern throughout my life, but it’s more evident recently. Of course it upsets me, though I am starting to fall into more of a reluctant acceptance of it. Does my heart still hurt at that? Immensely, especially when I want something rather much. But…I’ll just take it one day at a time, no matter the hurt. Who knows? Maybe things will change one day. Maybe not. But I’ll probably hold out hope for certain things for a good portion of my life, if not all of it.

On the positive side, when it comes to things that I want that solely rely on me and no one else, I am able to reach those goals. Such is the fact that I am able to go to Germany this May if I save right. This makes me happy. While I am not able to get things that involve others, at least I can do things where I am the only ‘real’ factor minus material factors. This is probably why I don’t like relying on others to be honest. I do, but still.

So long as I keep the fact I am reaching one goal in mind, I should be somewhat okay. As much as I wish to change some things, I can’t. So, focus on what I can do and I won’t be too sad. That’s all that matters in the end.

Fostering

I’ve come to some realizations about me, my life, and my future over the past couple years, most of them more recently found than others. I’ve come to accept that I may not get married or have children one day, but that my career is what I want the most and that marriage, or at least a ‘nonlegal’ marriage since marriage recognized by any legal system can take away more benefits than it can give (mostly monetary), is second but still sorely wanted as I crave companionship. I also have realized I might as well just admit some things to myself and fall full in. But I won’t yet because I’m stubborn and have issues. What I have realized, though, is that children aren’t a ‘need’ as some sort of long lasting relationship and career are. Yes, I want kids. Yes, I want to help children. But if it doesn’t happen? I’ll probably be sad and wonder ‘what if’, like with all things, but it won’t be something constantly at the forefront of my mind, only every now and then since I would intend to lead a full life anyhow. But, with that in mind, I’ve always known I have at least wanted to adopt one child of my hopeful two because 1) who wants to go through labor twice and 2) I want to help at least one child who lacks a family.

With this in the back of my mind, I had read something today that only briefly mentioned fostering due to it being relevant to the topic, but that had my think “Hey, if I don’t have kids, I could always foster some until they find a family.” And that sounds like a pretty good deal to me. When I’m better off, I won’t have to worry too much about the monetary cost of having children and fostering more or less would mean that the cost would be even less. I would make a difference in some kid’s life and, while it is vastly different from being a parent, I will still get at least a similar experience.

I still would like to have at least one child if fate would allow ti to be so, but if I can’t…there are other options. So if I can’t have a child because I have no one to have one with or if I am too old by that point that I physically cannot or some other reason, I could at least foster children. Like I said, I would so love to have one of my own little terror, but so long as I can help a child, not jsut with my hopeful career, I’ll be happy. So long as I can love and be loved by a child, I’ll be happy.

Yes, I know, ‘technically’ I shouldn’t worry about children or husbands at my age, I guess, but I like to know where I stand and to have all my ducks in a row before I do anything. So now I know that by the time I’m where I can have a family financially (unless something happens before then, because who knows) I won’t be to concerned with being legally married and I’ll be happy with foster children. Basically I won’t be too surprised if I end up with a really unorthodox family. But I’ll take it or a more ‘normal’ set up, because my heart will be filled with love in either case. More love than it already is.

Hm

I think I’ve mentioned before I don’t talk about certain things to certain people. Usually I’ll speak my mind, have a healthy debate, but then the other times… Well. I was looking facebook, as I do when I’m bored, and again I saw something that made me so very much want to say something. Not on facebook, because I don’t post my views on there, but call the person up and say ‘well, this is wrong.a misconception and…’. But I didn’t. I’m not going to. Why? Because I have unconditional love for the person who posted it, because he is my family and I do not want there to be any issue there. While I might be able to accept differing views and accept it as one’s opinion once they at least know what is true and what not, I don’t know how he would take it.

What I tend to do when it comes to my family or friends who might not take something so easily is that I hint at it, I give small things, but then I change the subject before it becomes a big thing. Just enough to make them think. When I go home I plan to do it as I can. At this point I have to say I’m rather glad I have seemed to have inherited my mom’s perspective more than my dad’s. As much as I love both, my dad is definitely more right than I am. While being more right is not bad in and of itself, some of his beliefs give me pause and make me hint things. The same goes for my brother. He is more right. And he posted something full of misconceptions. I love him, but I sorely want to to correct him. But sometimes things like religion and politics are best kept to oneself to circumvent tears in a family.

I am opinionated, but I don’t share my views openly for that reason alone. My views may be splashed across this blog, but the chances of anyone finding it who I don’t want to get in a debate about? Slim to none. I doubt any family or friends are googling me, so I’m safe. If it is found…I’ll cross that bridge when or if I get there.

But this still leads me to the fact that I am sorely worried about the state of the U.S. as of the moment. Why you ask? Because Trump may win. Because people are terrified of Muslims for no reason other than some terrorists were calling themselves Muslim. Because people stand behind someone who, while entitled to her opinion, did not do her GOVERNMENT job due to her religion. If she could not do her job, she should have quit. You work in a government agency, you quit or you just do your job. Even if not in a government agency, that’s how it works. Because religion and state are mixing more and more and more people call the U.S. a ‘Christian’ nation. Because if you diverge from a certain template, it is assumed you were not born here.

It is worse other places, yes, but this country is not what it was ‘meant’ to be, and not for the reasons some assume. It’s a scary thought. People can have whatever opinion they want, but please, just remember that the U.S. is not based solely on certain opinions and that your opinion may be misinformed (I know some of mine may be). Just keep some things in mind when you say certain things. It’s not being politically correct or sensitive, it’s simply being informed and caring about people like you care about yourself.

Random Ramble about Oddities

School has been going on for a couple weeks now, so I’ve been here for about a month probably. It’s nice to be back, nice to be living with my friends, nice to have our own bathroom, and just generally nice to be back in the swing of things. It’s been good besides the fact that I haven’t quite felt calm yet. More or less my mood has been low for on wards of a week, and I’ve been running around trying to get things together for one of the club on campus. The club thing is working out somewhat, but the rest…it’s getting there. It’s really just a matter of being reassured about some things and not worrying over things I logically shouldn’t worry about. But it’s getting there. It’ll take time for me to feel completely better, but soon hopefully.

Otherwise, the only thing of note i can think of is something I had read the other day about the difference between high school and college. What most kids in high school and down probably think college is..they’ll soon find it’s the exact opposite. Just looking at some of the first years has me shaking my head, if only because they seem to go out so often. How they manage that and work, I don’t know, but I feel as if that behavior will change soon enough. Either way, people probably think outfits matter, that sitting alone is horrible, that getting tutoring is bad, and that living in the library is sad. None of this is true in college, which is really strange, when you think about it. The level of fucks one give sin high school drastically drops when you reach a certain point in your first year of college. This is besides community college, of course, which has slightly different rules. From my experience with that, people didn’t care, but at the same time people did. It likely had to do with the fact you don’t live on campus and the types and difficulties of courses are altered. But with a four year institution…well, apparently during finals people have been known to camp out with a tent and all in my school’s library. So if that doesn’t tell you something, well…

I can’t say I personally know anyone who is starting college this year, but to everyone who is and has high expectations and isn’t going to a prep type of school: you’re in for some news. Especially when the level of caring drops year after year and you may end up walking around in PJs with a blanket and teddy bear to complete the outfit. Why? Because you can and no one else will bat an eye.

College is a weird time, but I assume it’s because everyone’s too focused on work to really concern themselves with the little things. Especially the part about eating alone since you might only have all of 20 minutes to eat before running to class or work. Of course some of these things may not help people see you as an adult (which I am still sour about the superintendent speaking at my brother’s graduation and insinuating that college students are not adults), we are. The only difference is we’re doing what we ‘have’ to do to make money in certain fields. Sure, everyone could go and try to start a business of some sort, but the chances of all of those succeeding is rather slim. Which leaves college or the armed forces.

This is mostly a random ramble about the strangeness of the world I’ve come to find myself in, but there it is anyway. Strange or not, I think it works.

Father’s Day

So, for all the U.S. people, it was Father’s Day today. For a lot of people that means a lot of different things. For me, it really was just the last day that, for sure, my brother and I will both be here for that. While my dad doesn’t like to admit to the whole missing us thing, it’s clear. And he was rather upset he had to work today, which ended up with my mom getting creative and all of us going up to his work to bring him some cake. He appreciated it, I could tell. It’s really those little things that can make such a difference for someone, that can show how you care about them. Little tiny gestures of love and affection.

I don’t really have much to say, because all I can think of when it comes to these holidays is how glad I am to have the parents that I do, to have the relationship to both of them that I do. I’ve seen so many people who are distanced from not one, but both of their parents for one or another reason and I know I am damned lucky. I’m glad that this bond exists and will continue to exist for the foreseeable future. Do I agree with everything my dad or mom say? No. Do I share the same views? Not really, but I don’t fele arguing on some things. But that doesn’t mean much. People bite their tongue around people they care about all the time, even if they have an open dialogue.

Like I said, though, I don’t have much to say. People don’t spend as much on Father’s Day overall, probably because guys in general are so hard to shop for. But it can still be meaningful. And I like to think that we did pretty good this year. So while I cannot write as much about my dad as I could my mom (something I sorely hope to rectify. I found out one story, I need more. ) I still care about him deeply. He’s my dad, I love him, and I really don’t see that changing.

Experiences

I figured I should something instead of just leaving shameless advertising up. (Btw, updated listings….looks better in real…custom order…father’s day is coming up >.>) Okay, now I’m done 😛

With the summer being here, my mind is drifting to different fantasies and things I wish to experience in life. Some are more ‘common’ than others, but I still like to imagine what certain things would be like. I know I have at least half experienced some things, but I have yet to be able to fully dive into a number of things. Having a taste of something is nice, but I would more enjoy the full experience even if it is only for a short time. As much as I love the idea of long term and steady with anything, I would take a full experience that is true and real but only lasts for a short while over never experiencing it in the first place. Some might want to say that’s a silly, naive thought, but it’s not. It’s just a thought attributed to the fact that I want to live. Even if I end up crying and hurt, fuck it. That’s living. I’ll take all the pain so long as I get the good with it, too.

The fantasies in my head rarely change, they’re usually the same with small variations. And the answer to a question of what I would do if I had all the money and time and possibilities in the world hasn’t changed either. What I want won’t happen, but I can still dream. And my dreams are vivid and beautiful and painful and full of joy and tears and everything. I am a realist, and often a pessimist as well, at heart, so I know things cannot be happy all the time and my dreams address that. If anything, my dreams involving those possibilities makes them so real that sometimes it hurts to think of how they aren’t actually real. Yet. One day…maybe one day I can manage to make one or two of them happen. Really I just hope to have one come true. I’ll take one out of many, so long as I don’t have to throw all of those lovely drifting dreams fade. If any one of them can be solid… I’ll be happy.

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