A Day of Unease

Today has been a day ridden with anxiety and simply attempting to not burst into tears. I’ve been focusing on doing things that make me happy like talking  to people I like, petting a puppy (thanks friend who brought her new furbaby!), wearing my onesie, sleeping, being alone, and so on. As it is, I’m likely going to wear this onesie to class and see how that goes.

My level of care is rather low, especially considering I didn’t make it to one class I actually like today. I woke up late and decided I’d just go back to sleep and try again. Trying again didn’t make the day better.

I wish I didn’t feel things as intensely as I do. But I can’t change that. As it stands, anything sad hurts my heart but if it’s something that is relatively common (even though it shouldn’t be), I don’t burst into tears randomly. Deaths hurt my soul, but shootings and wars and such are relatively ‘normal’ at this point so I don’t cry outwardly. Inwardly is a different story.

Today, on the other hand, is a major election day as most of the world probably knows due to the fact there’s a loud, racist, sexist, horrible excuse for a human being running along with another not so great option because of the general shadiness around some things she has done. Wish the first viable option for a woman president in the U.S. would be better, but, well, she’s what we’ve got.

But what has me so upset and prone to tears is that the loud one has a chance at winning. I hate how close they polls are showing and I hate that I actually have to have a contingency plan where I move my moving plans a few years early. It hurts. Today has got to be the longest day in my life so far. Now I’m just going to wait and see and hope that tomorrow won’t be worse. Either way, no matter who wins, something will happen. Something bad will occur. I can just feel it.

I hate that this hurts so much, that all of this is a possibility.

Since I cannot do much at this point, having already voted and begged the universe to be kind, I’m going to mess around with games and such until time for class. I could go harass my friends, but I’m just so tired and with how upset I am I wouldn’t want to bring anyone else into my mood. So my onesie and I will spend some quality time together before I struggle through this one last class of the day.

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Light and Dark

There’s a lot of darkness in the world lately.

People dying still, and new ones dying. Brutality from those you are supposed to be able to trust. Once more, people twisting religious texts, taking them literally, and killing over it, slandering the name of some religion. No religion is without flaws, but still, at their heart they all mean ‘be nice, don’t kill, bring light, bring your god’s word in some preferably peaceful manner’. But people always twist it. In small ways or big ways.

Then there’s the personal darknesses. Not the ones that affect the world, but the ones that affect only you and those in your immediate area. Domestic abuse. Depression. Even something as simple as fear.

With everything escalating, it almost seems like someone reopened Pandora’s box.

While I’m not so egotistical as to believe that I could change the world, make light reach ever corner (since, of course, there needs to be some darkness for light to exist), but I can try to do small things. Sadly, when I try to bring happiness, it only causes me and whoever I was trying to help be sad together. I mess that up a lot.

But I succeed often times as well.

When a friend laughs, smiles, or simply rolls their eyes but there’s an amusement there that they do not want to admit, I have succeeded. If I can make a stranger happy, then I have succeeded.

I might not save any one’s life, but if I can make their day better than I will be happy in my own way. Of course, making some people happy is more important than making others happy, but…still. If I can a few people who’s happiness doesn’t mean as much to me happy, then that’s good. If I can make one person who’s happiness means the world to me happy…then I am over the moon.

I’m not a happy person in general, so it’s not as if I’m giving my happiness away. I don’t have that ability as some do. But I’m still trying. If your my friend or else, I’ll hug you, let you cry (and probably cry with you), let you vent, make a funny a joke, send a cute picture and all that is just to make you smile. Everything I do is with good intention. I’m still learning how to make the good intention translate to the outcome, but I’m getting there. I think.

I know with one person who’s happiness means everything to me…we hadn’t had an issue with my tries for a long time. Only recently was there any issue. Now I jsut have to try and smooth that over, to get back to good happiness levels. Because I care so much, because this one person means so much.

With other friends, they mean a lot, too. I still do what I can. I still try to make them laugh with my odd humor, even if they don’t always get the joke. I hug. I smother them with physical affection, even if they don’t say they want it, because I like to think it helps. I don’t think a hug can fix all things, but I like to think it at least helps.

I have a big heart, I know that, that’s part of why I’m so ‘sensitive’.

But…if everyone could at least try to make one person happy, that one person that means everything to you happy, then the world would be so much better off. If you could try to make one person feel happiness to their core, it will spread out in a wonderful way.

I’m not naive. I know complete happiness is not always possible. But if there’s a chance everyone can make someone smile at least once every day, that would mean a whole world of change.

Just a Little Thing

This is more for musing than else. I’ve always known that I can’t always have things I want, and that I usually, more often than not, will not get what I want. This has been a common pattern throughout my life, but it’s more evident recently. Of course it upsets me, though I am starting to fall into more of a reluctant acceptance of it. Does my heart still hurt at that? Immensely, especially when I want something rather much. But…I’ll just take it one day at a time, no matter the hurt. Who knows? Maybe things will change one day. Maybe not. But I’ll probably hold out hope for certain things for a good portion of my life, if not all of it.

On the positive side, when it comes to things that I want that solely rely on me and no one else, I am able to reach those goals. Such is the fact that I am able to go to Germany this May if I save right. This makes me happy. While I am not able to get things that involve others, at least I can do things where I am the only ‘real’ factor minus material factors. This is probably why I don’t like relying on others to be honest. I do, but still.

So long as I keep the fact I am reaching one goal in mind, I should be somewhat okay. As much as I wish to change some things, I can’t. So, focus on what I can do and I won’t be too sad. That’s all that matters in the end.

Hm

I think I’ve mentioned before I don’t talk about certain things to certain people. Usually I’ll speak my mind, have a healthy debate, but then the other times… Well. I was looking facebook, as I do when I’m bored, and again I saw something that made me so very much want to say something. Not on facebook, because I don’t post my views on there, but call the person up and say ‘well, this is wrong.a misconception and…’. But I didn’t. I’m not going to. Why? Because I have unconditional love for the person who posted it, because he is my family and I do not want there to be any issue there. While I might be able to accept differing views and accept it as one’s opinion once they at least know what is true and what not, I don’t know how he would take it.

What I tend to do when it comes to my family or friends who might not take something so easily is that I hint at it, I give small things, but then I change the subject before it becomes a big thing. Just enough to make them think. When I go home I plan to do it as I can. At this point I have to say I’m rather glad I have seemed to have inherited my mom’s perspective more than my dad’s. As much as I love both, my dad is definitely more right than I am. While being more right is not bad in and of itself, some of his beliefs give me pause and make me hint things. The same goes for my brother. He is more right. And he posted something full of misconceptions. I love him, but I sorely want to to correct him. But sometimes things like religion and politics are best kept to oneself to circumvent tears in a family.

I am opinionated, but I don’t share my views openly for that reason alone. My views may be splashed across this blog, but the chances of anyone finding it who I don’t want to get in a debate about? Slim to none. I doubt any family or friends are googling me, so I’m safe. If it is found…I’ll cross that bridge when or if I get there.

But this still leads me to the fact that I am sorely worried about the state of the U.S. as of the moment. Why you ask? Because Trump may win. Because people are terrified of Muslims for no reason other than some terrorists were calling themselves Muslim. Because people stand behind someone who, while entitled to her opinion, did not do her GOVERNMENT job due to her religion. If she could not do her job, she should have quit. You work in a government agency, you quit or you just do your job. Even if not in a government agency, that’s how it works. Because religion and state are mixing more and more and more people call the U.S. a ‘Christian’ nation. Because if you diverge from a certain template, it is assumed you were not born here.

It is worse other places, yes, but this country is not what it was ‘meant’ to be, and not for the reasons some assume. It’s a scary thought. People can have whatever opinion they want, but please, just remember that the U.S. is not based solely on certain opinions and that your opinion may be misinformed (I know some of mine may be). Just keep some things in mind when you say certain things. It’s not being politically correct or sensitive, it’s simply being informed and caring about people like you care about yourself.

Father’s Day

So, for all the U.S. people, it was Father’s Day today. For a lot of people that means a lot of different things. For me, it really was just the last day that, for sure, my brother and I will both be here for that. While my dad doesn’t like to admit to the whole missing us thing, it’s clear. And he was rather upset he had to work today, which ended up with my mom getting creative and all of us going up to his work to bring him some cake. He appreciated it, I could tell. It’s really those little things that can make such a difference for someone, that can show how you care about them. Little tiny gestures of love and affection.

I don’t really have much to say, because all I can think of when it comes to these holidays is how glad I am to have the parents that I do, to have the relationship to both of them that I do. I’ve seen so many people who are distanced from not one, but both of their parents for one or another reason and I know I am damned lucky. I’m glad that this bond exists and will continue to exist for the foreseeable future. Do I agree with everything my dad or mom say? No. Do I share the same views? Not really, but I don’t fele arguing on some things. But that doesn’t mean much. People bite their tongue around people they care about all the time, even if they have an open dialogue.

Like I said, though, I don’t have much to say. People don’t spend as much on Father’s Day overall, probably because guys in general are so hard to shop for. But it can still be meaningful. And I like to think that we did pretty good this year. So while I cannot write as much about my dad as I could my mom (something I sorely hope to rectify. I found out one story, I need more. ) I still care about him deeply. He’s my dad, I love him, and I really don’t see that changing.

Experiences

I figured I should something instead of just leaving shameless advertising up. (Btw, updated listings….looks better in real…custom order…father’s day is coming up >.>) Okay, now I’m done 😛

With the summer being here, my mind is drifting to different fantasies and things I wish to experience in life. Some are more ‘common’ than others, but I still like to imagine what certain things would be like. I know I have at least half experienced some things, but I have yet to be able to fully dive into a number of things. Having a taste of something is nice, but I would more enjoy the full experience even if it is only for a short time. As much as I love the idea of long term and steady with anything, I would take a full experience that is true and real but only lasts for a short while over never experiencing it in the first place. Some might want to say that’s a silly, naive thought, but it’s not. It’s just a thought attributed to the fact that I want to live. Even if I end up crying and hurt, fuck it. That’s living. I’ll take all the pain so long as I get the good with it, too.

The fantasies in my head rarely change, they’re usually the same with small variations. And the answer to a question of what I would do if I had all the money and time and possibilities in the world hasn’t changed either. What I want won’t happen, but I can still dream. And my dreams are vivid and beautiful and painful and full of joy and tears and everything. I am a realist, and often a pessimist as well, at heart, so I know things cannot be happy all the time and my dreams address that. If anything, my dreams involving those possibilities makes them so real that sometimes it hurts to think of how they aren’t actually real. Yet. One day…maybe one day I can manage to make one or two of them happen. Really I just hope to have one come true. I’ll take one out of many, so long as I don’t have to throw all of those lovely drifting dreams fade. If any one of them can be solid… I’ll be happy.

Recognizing the Lows

I’ve been happy for a while now, but recently things have been tipping over one by one and negative thoughts keep finding their way into my head. But there’s something different this time which is making me rather happy, to be honest.Usually one of the thoughts to come at me is that “People have bigger problems. Look at [insert friend’s name here] or what’s going on in [insert place here].” And, yes, that has happened this time, only this time I realized I’m perfectly allowed my own negative thoughts and feelings, even if they aren’t the most healthy to begin with, they are still allowed. Sure, it’s nothing compared to other people’s issues, but its still allowed and other things going on doesn’t diminish my problem.

Honestly, finally figuring that out makes this drop better than others.

Don’t get me wrong, it still took a lot for me to decide that I will in fact still go to spring cocktail with my friends ( hey, it’s free) but having that little push that I’m allowed to be upset….somehow it helps. It makes my thoughts and feelings seem more valid, less like I should just ignore it, and not being able to usually makes me feel worse. But now I’m not worrying about ignoring these feelings.

While my lows are (thank gods) no where near anything that could be depressive as far as I’m aware and probably aren’t even the mild form whose name escapes me at the moment, this makes me think of the walk I was talked into volunteering for earlier. While I stand by the idea that walking wont necessarily help anyone, it’s still a good thing to bring awareness. There were different colored beads for people to wear for varying reasons: loss of a spouse, child, friend, parents, a loved one’s struggles, your own struggle, or just supporting. There were so many who had lost people or who knew people who are struggling when it comes to dealing with suicide and, I’m assuming, depression. Not to mention how many had the beads that showed their own struggle. I really can only imagine what goes on people’s heads with any of those things, and it all seems dark. The good thing about all this is that depression and suicide is a known thing, while suicide isn’t as studied as depression, it still is known. People, for the most part, know how to help at least a little. Less people think that people should pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and so on. Though, yes, there are still people who do, but it’s lesser. The ignorant numbers are shrinking.

To be honest, I think one of the most important things as a starting point is for people to notice when their lows hit. While I cannot claim to know more than textbook information and information from a friend who had had suicidal thoughts at one point in her life, I know that when my mood drops and when everything looks awful and all I want is to curl up in my bed and cry or sleep…I know that knowing my view is slightly distorted helps me. I know to focus more on the good things, or try to. I know what to do to get through that drop until it’s over again. Maybe for people who have depression and such things could be helped by knowing when their view isn’t entirely how the world is. I know cognitive therapy, which is essentially working to change someones thought process, is helpful for these people. Of course pills can help, too, but so can just working through one’s thoughts.

So if you’re someone who struggles with mild lows like myself or full-on depression or the milder, chronic form, just try to recognize when you are in a low. I know you probably do, but if not, can’t hurt to try. I’m not saying I’m an all knowing authority on this matter, as I’m not, and I know people have probably given you so many suggestions already…but just try it. And if that doesn’t work, please, find a therapist. They can help. I promise. Most depressive clients are able to get better and stay that way. So it doesn’t have to be a life long thing. These lows don’t always have to happen.

Peaks

One of the classes I am currently taking is about the history of sexuality in America. A class as such does include speaking on using sex, and therefore rape, as something to establish power alongside how certain aspects of sexuality other than the physical act go with that. Today we just happened to speak about racial power and sexuality mostly after the civil war but a bit before then as well.

A number of things were spoken about, but one thing that stuck out to me was a graph that showed certain spikes of lynchings. One was around the later 1800s with slaves being freed and gaining some more standing and what you are more often hearing about. The other spike, oddly enough, was during the 1920s, which was suggested to deal possibly with blacks leaving the south to go up north. Unfortunately the map and graph only focused on the south, but it still painted an interesting picture.

With the changes going on recently and more focus being put on police brutality and racial profiling, it’s hard not to recognize some similarities. I am not saying this has anything to do with anything in particular, but when people are putting nooses around statues of people or on hanging trees historically known for lynchings, it’s a bit distrubing. I’m not but so knowledgeable in this area, so I won’t pretend to know more than I do, but I do know that history has a tendency to repeat itself. And that graph that showed the spikes isn’t helping to show any different. If history repeats itself, then with certain social movements on the rise, it makes sense that, with more vocalization placed on racial inequality, that more violence will start to show itself.

With any movement or small poking at the status quo, there is a push back. Yes, some people go about protesting in the wrong way, but there also those who go about it in a peaceful way. History has its peaks of protests, its peaks of violence, and its peaks of rights being fought for for one group while neglected for another. History repeats itself in an endless cycle which I highly doubt will end unless humans evolve drastically or become extinct. Even then, history will repeat itself because that is the natural way of the Earth.

So what can be done with the cycles? Not much, but you can do something during those cycles. You can get involved in things if you so wish, or simply better yourself and those around you. Small steps can be more important than big ones sometimes.

While peaks are a part of history, things like peaks of violence are unnecessary and everything that can be done to stop them, should be done. But human nature is a tricky thing, so that probably won’t happen. But speaking up is always a good thing. Just remember that, when you speak up, to think of it in terms of intersectionality as well. Some groups are pushed to the wayside when certain issues arise, but don’t let those groups be pushed aside. Help them, help everyone help each other. Working together creates a bigger voice than working alone.

A Year Off

I think all those people who can afford a year off right after high school have a point. I could never have afforded the luxury since I can barely afford more education as it is. The only thing I have going for me are the loans and grants. But even so, that doesn’t stop me from having decided to take a year off once I’ve graduated in three more years. I could still graduate early, but with how things are going it seems like it would be better if I didn’t…at least if you don’t count the money I’ll be loosing.

In any case: a year off is in my future. Yes, part of that year will be spent working to get enough money to afford this trip, but otherwise I’m going to someplace in Europe and probably try to hit a few choice places. Or I’ll just go to Germany and work on getting settled there and figuring out more about the universities. Though if I find a job that won’t include me getting more education, I won’t say no. Whatever I’m doing, it’s going to be something new and different and just…freedom. At least to me that’s a sort of freedom, when I start making money will be another type.

I’ve been in school since I was in kindergarten, since I was five, and before that my mom was teaching my brother and I the basics like the alphabet, our colors, and our numbers, so I’ve been in something near to school for all of my life. From elementary to middle to high then to community college and now a four year. That’s a lot of years spent in school when I could have been doing other things. I want to enjoy my life, and going straight to another handful of years of school for another expensive piece of paper…it’s not enjoyable. It’s not boring, but it’s not what I want to do. If I was in community college right now, I could easily take a year off right now. But being where I am, it would be weird to come back after a year considering what I’m already working towards.

So I’m going to take a year off after I have one thousands of dollars piece of paper in my hands, and just dance and explore and drink and eat and see and just enjoy because I can. I will need this break come then since I’m already feeling a bit of stress that is probably only a peek into what I will experience within the next couple of years. And I do not want to know how it will be for my upper degree. Right now I’m just going to focus on my studies, my plan for next summer, and my plans for that one lovely year that will be without any hint of school work.

I have to say, just thinking of that makes me happy. A year where school can suck it? Hell yes.

Creative Endings

I made the mistake of reading things and letting my mind wander. I had planned to be productive as I have a few papers due, but that didn’t happen. This kind of goes on a bit of what I wrote recently, but not at the same time. Like I’ve mentioned before I tend to stuff things down into a corner if I think it’ll cause things to end badly. Again my mind is drifting to a certain hidden desire due to something I was reading.

I have a habit of imaging multiple good outcomes, no matter how unlikely they may be, no matter how pessimistic I may be that things will work well. But when I read things about people telling people things and it not ending in the fiery pits of hell, it makes me more sad than anything else. Things like that would give most people hope, but not so much me. Why doesn’t it make me hopeful? Because I’m painfully realistic. I know saying things will mess things up and I would lose someone who means a lot to me in the process. And I don’t want that. I’d rather hurt in one way instead of hurting in the alternative way. But it happens, that’s life, I suppose.

There isn’t much point to this, since the details are between me, myself, and my diary. It’s just the little bits, like the overarching ‘things will end badly’ sign even though so many people have had luck in their own lives. It’s good for them, and I know I shouldn’t be carrying around the bad feeling, but, well, it’s just one of those things. I’ve mentioned before I don’t like taking risks. My luck also tends to skew towards not so great, so I’m not holding my breath. I’m glad for the people that these types of things work out for, but for me? As tired as I am of keeping things to myself, it’s easier this way. It doesn’t make endings.

Of course there are good things in my life, it’s just that one aspect that is a bit lacking. People might say I shouldn’t worry about that at this point in my life, but when I’m feeling some type of way for someone specific, that makes it harder. But, if I’m lucky, just another long lasting crush that will fade in the coming years and I won’t feel this way. Until someone else comes along. If I’m unlucky, I’ll feel this way for the rest of my life and be unable to do anything about it. But that’s yet to be seen. Maybe I’ll be extremely lucky and things will go really well and one of those creative endings about how things could go, like riding off into a sunset as cliche as that is, will happen. But I’m not counting on the latter.

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