Light and Dark

There’s a lot of darkness in the world lately.

People dying still, and new ones dying. Brutality from those you are supposed to be able to trust. Once more, people twisting religious texts, taking them literally, and killing over it, slandering the name of some religion. No religion is without flaws, but still, at their heart they all mean ‘be nice, don’t kill, bring light, bring your god’s word in some preferably peaceful manner’. But people always twist it. In small ways or big ways.

Then there’s the personal darknesses. Not the ones that affect the world, but the ones that affect only you and those in your immediate area. Domestic abuse. Depression. Even something as simple as fear.

With everything escalating, it almost seems like someone reopened Pandora’s box.

While I’m not so egotistical as to believe that I could change the world, make light reach ever corner (since, of course, there needs to be some darkness for light to exist), but I can try to do small things. Sadly, when I try to bring happiness, it only causes me and whoever I was trying to help be sad together. I mess that up a lot.

But I succeed often times as well.

When a friend laughs, smiles, or simply rolls their eyes but there’s an amusement there that they do not want to admit, I have succeeded. If I can make a stranger happy, then I have succeeded.

I might not save any one’s life, but if I can make their day better than I will be happy in my own way. Of course, making some people happy is more important than making others happy, but…still. If I can a few people who’s happiness doesn’t mean as much to me happy, then that’s good. If I can make one person who’s happiness means the world to me happy…then I am over the moon.

I’m not a happy person in general, so it’s not as if I’m giving my happiness away. I don’t have that ability as some do. But I’m still trying. If your my friend or else, I’ll hug you, let you cry (and probably cry with you), let you vent, make a funny a joke, send a cute picture and all that is just to make you smile. Everything I do is with good intention. I’m still learning how to make the good intention translate to the outcome, but I’m getting there. I think.

I know with one person who’s happiness means everything to me…we hadn’t had an issue with my tries for a long time. Only recently was there any issue. Now I jsut have to try and smooth that over, to get back to good happiness levels. Because I care so much, because this one person means so much.

With other friends, they mean a lot, too. I still do what I can. I still try to make them laugh with my odd humor, even if they don’t always get the joke. I hug. I smother them with physical affection, even if they don’t say they want it, because I like to think it helps. I don’t think a hug can fix all things, but I like to think it at least helps.

I have a big heart, I know that, that’s part of why I’m so ‘sensitive’.

But…if everyone could at least try to make one person happy, that one person that means everything to you happy, then the world would be so much better off. If you could try to make one person feel happiness to their core, it will spread out in a wonderful way.

I’m not naive. I know complete happiness is not always possible. But if there’s a chance everyone can make someone smile at least once every day, that would mean a whole world of change.


Mugs? Yes, Mugs.

So, considering how looking for a job has not been entirely in my favor as of yet, I have managed to figure something out. Making and selling mugs. My original plan was to try and sell via Facebook, which would mean cheaper and no shipping…but, unfortunately, that is not working either as people are only really liking the pictures I have posted. But I did come up with an idea that will, hopefully, work better. Etsy.

Right now I only have one listing although I have made a couple mugs, but I do also allow for someone to ask for a custom order which I would gladly do. If any one who happens to read this is interested, please feel free to look at the link below and maybe order something if you find yourself so inclined.

Oh, and if you get to it from here, please message me and ask about a code if you want it a bit cheaper.

Body Image

Today my friends, who are constantly trying to do things with confidence as they have enough to go around, tried to tell me I have pretty much an hour class figure. Turns out they are a little bit right, as I noticed by looking at myself and thinking while changing into my pajamas. The only reason I do have one is because I have a naturally cinched waist, I think, and wider hips, the only thing that cause any curvy look. Though as I looked, I decided I also have better sized breasts that I thought, and then I realized my face isn’t but so bad. I’ve always liked my eyes, lashes, and added my brows onto that when I realized strong brows are not a bad thing. My hair even looks nice, even though it’s already growing back after only about a month of having been cut.

I’ve long been of the opinion that I’m average. It was more of an ‘acceptance’ than anything else, and I’ve accepted words from others calling me ‘pretty’ or ‘cute’ as, apparently like others, I have words I can at least halfways associate with myself. Some have hot or sexy or adorable; cute and pretty are mine it seems. But I still thought I was average. I’m not saying I’m overly above it, but I think I can at least start personally applying the word pretty to myself. Not jsut others applying it to me, but actually looking at myself and feeling like it. Some times when I get ready in the morning, if my skin is just the right shade of pale and my lips actually have some pink to them instead of blending with my face, I think I look nice. Other days I just go on.

But I think my friends may have a point. I have a nicer shape than I assumed originally, even if it’s not always seen by how I dress. But it’s there, and it’s something people tend to strive for while I have it naturally. Sure, things might be more focused on women with curvier bodies recently, but I do have some curves, just more on the slender side. And, I think, for once in my life, I can fully accept my body and call it pretty instead of average.

I’m not saying this to seem narcissistic or anything, more that I want to say that, if you feel bad about yourself, chances are there’s not so much of a reason to. Just look at yourself, think it over. Really look at yourself. It…can be a bit liberating. Sometimes taking positive comments in, not just negative ones, can be really helpful. Just listen and look. I’m glad I did.


I’ll admit to being lazy in most parts of my life, but there is one part that I absolutely loathe the idea of being lazy in. And that one area is religion. When I was little and called myself Catholic, I didn’t want to be idle, I wanted the God I believe in to know that I believed. Of course as time went on and I lsot that connection, I wavered, became a bit lazy since I wasn’t sure what I believed in, but then I found paganism. Now there’s this conflict inside me that’s saying I should do something…but most of my information is instinct, inference, and the internet. Do I know people I could ask? Oh, definitely. Have I gleaned some information from the nature-based religion group at my college? Yes, a bit. I finally figured out what exactly is up with the Yule log.

But today was Yule. I didn’t do anything active.

While I say that, I did do something. That something was spend time with those I care about, though I make a point to do that daily. So can that really count? I’m not entirely certain. I don’t know. It’s been a good while since I’ve been able to tell people (only a handful, since there’s some people who are better off not knowing. Unless I feel like upsetting them…but, well, harm none and all that…), but I still am flailing a bit, trying to figure out how to make this work with my limitations. This happens with every ‘big’ ritual time, but that’s partly why I call myself a pagan and not any certain sect.

I am what I am, though, So what do I do? I simply open myself a bit more to the energies, even if that comes naturally to me on certain days. I let myself mull over what is fitting for the holiday and all. I might be lazy, but, at the same time, I think that these sorts of things are just things I would do even without a push. Around certain days, I simply feel…something…and I give in to it, do what I feel is natural. I’m slowly starting to feel like I may be more inline with a kitchen witch, but we’ll see. Either way, I don’t feel guilt with not doing something.

What I’m trying to get at is that, whatever religion you are, you shouldn’t feel a need to go to church, rituals, whatever else (unless it’s specifically outlined, like praying five times a day, I think, if you’re Muslim, and even then only if you’ve time, which I think is mentioned in the Koran as well. But don’t quote me on that.). Having that need is a great thing, but if the pressure is from the outside or simply because you believe it is something you ‘have’ to do. Whoever you believe in, if they exist, they know. I’m sure the god(s)/goddess(es) you want to give praise to, aren’t going to reject you for not doing something. Just living within whatever the belief system is (and all are basically ‘be nice, don’t be an ass’) will appease whoever.

So, with all these holidays going on this time of year, all you have to do is accept their true meaning. And all tend to follow the same lines, as far as I am aware, and that is family and love and peace, or some variant. So spend time with your family, tell those you love that you love them (even if it’s implied, hearing or even reading the words as a text will make that person smile, I’m sure). Just do something, and it’ll be well worth it. Your deity will be glad you just do something good and loving.

Take a Leap

So, my last post I mentioned I’m generally happier. Don’t get me wrong, I am, but there is at least one thing at this point that has all these possibilities spinning in my head and making me, yes, cry a bit and feel mildly depressed. But, strangely enough, tonight I went from doing just that to thinking about some things other people are going through to deciding to take a shower and… The thing about showers is, my thoughts get really deep when I’m in there. I don’t know why, they just do. Deep or random, and this time it was a bit of both, I suppose.

I made a decision, and I’m going to put it here so that I absolutely cannot reneg. Maybe not next summer, but the one after that, I am going to Germany. I decided that I need to take risks at least once in my life since, well, I should be allowed to. I always play it safe, and I’m not going to this time. I’m going to do something that I desperately want, even if everything wants to scream out that it isn’t practical, that it’s impossible and stupid and…everything else. I’m going to ignore that smart, safe voice in my head.

The safe voice has kept me from…rather much. It kept me from telling people how I’ve felt, one of which I sorely regret even four or five years later. (Well, mostly. I may or may not have been bored and looked on Facebook one night and that may or may not have made me feel a bit better…) It’s the voice that keeps me refraining from ever wanting to drink too much, since the idea of being drunk is a scary thought to me. I think I’m one of those liable to wander with my attention span. It’s the voice that has me not go places, not do things, go to bed at a decent hour when I have classes. It’s what makes me be the responsible one, the one who was the little ten year old that was already grown-up. I owe this to myself.

I’m going to look up ticket prices, even though I know those will probably increase come two years in the future. I’m going to fill out more job applications than ever so that I can get a job this coming summer. I’m not going to do what I usually do with money; tell myself I’ll not spend anything, but end up using some form of abstract logic to justify buying something when I do have money. I’m going to save. I’m going to look up hotel prices. I’m going to see if those estranged cousins want to do some bonding, since that could help me 1) not be too horribly tourist-looking and 2) help me not have to spend money on a hotel. I’m going to find out the exchange rate, watch it, and save for the fact I’ll have to eat. Give myself some fun spending money, too.

For once in my life, and probably for the last time (unless my plans to finish up my degree over in Germany pan out), I’m going to jump off a very, very high cliff and…hope. I don’t have anyone to help me, even if I’d love it if I did, but that’s okay. I can do this on my own. And I will. In two years time, I’ll have spent at least a day in some city in Germany.

Small addition: Maybe not two years. I’ll give myself three after looking at the ticket prices, but still aiming for two if luck is on my side. It’s going to happen, no discouragement this time.

Adopting Pets

For some reason I’ve been thinking about strays and adopting and all that recently, which has me think of my first dog. I can still remember it near perfect how it was when I first got her. I was maybe about seven, and my family and I went over to a neighbor’s house, the guy being pretty much like an uncle to my brother and I. I don’t know how long it was until I asked where the bathroom was, got directions, and…went tot eh wrong room. I saw a Tweety Bird hanging on the outside of the door, assumed it was the bathroom because my favorite cartoon character was there or so, opened the door and out ran a black and brown dog into the living room. I of course followed. My brother and I pretty much fawned over her and how fluffy she was and how sweet. Considering how old she was, maybe eight or ten by then, it really was amazing how sweet and responding she was to us. My sorta-kinda uncle explained to us how he found her on the road, after having been hit by a car. How he took her in and might have to get rid of her.

And cue the pleading form my brother and I if we could keep her. Our parents said to ask Mr. J (that’s what I’ll call him for now), and we did. And…well, we brought Gypsy home with us. Of course my parents had known ahead of time about the dog and had already said they’d take her and all, but still. Gypsy really was much too sweet for her age, especially with how we were pretty sure she had been living on the street for a while; some of her habits made it obvious. Yes, she clearly had lived with people at some point, but not for a while. Her teeth were a giveaway…and how she may have eaten a baby squirrel once also was a giveaway. But she put up with me and my brother and only really snapped at either of us (my brother) when she was a few years older and had gray on her muzzle and elsewhere. And then, by some miracle and a dog jumping our fence, Gypsy gave us another little furry baby; my current dog, Oreo.

Gypsy clearly loved us. She lived a long time, much longer than most dogs do, for one. And, well, the day that it became evident she was at the end of it all, she waited for my dad to get home. She wanted to say goodbye to each of us, clearly, and she waited for him to come home and see her before she…left. It still makes me tear up now, because she was my childhood pet and I loved her dearly, but the fact she waited for us all… It makes me know that she loved us as much as we loved her.

People tend to not want to adopt older animals, and I get that. But…sometimes they are the sweetest things and the ones that need the most love. Don’t get me wrong, adopting younger dogs is a great thing, too, but people shouldn’t shy away from the older ones because they think they won’t adjust so well. They will. Dogs, well, they’re like people almost. They want love. Yes, some dogs are incapable of being nice and sweet because of everything that happened in their lives, but that’s not all of them. I cannot speak for cats, but I’m sure it’s much the same.

If you’re going to adopt a pet, adopt one that seems to speak to you somehow. Like…it just connects. Don’t worry about its age, it’ll love you all the same. Give the older animals a chance as much as you would give the younger ones.

Don’t Like Buying ‘Things’? There is Something Wonderful in the World

I’m still not exactly happy at the moment, but a few things today are little happy spots: finding out the salt water taffy at a gift shop nearby is 10 cents each (cheaper than I thought), a cute maybe virtual kitty (don’t judge, she’s adorable), eating salt water taffy (like now), Anastasia being on Netflix (have a little toy of her, and used to have a ‘to scale’-ish toy of the dog with flappy ears) and a box that had coconut chocolate macaroons in it.

I’m going to talk about the box, because that one store made me supremely happy. I don’t like talking about certain things, admitting certain things, and basically want to deny I have a certain biological function as a woman. I know that’s bad, but I can’t help it. In any case, here’s this: there is a website called The Period Store. While I don’t like talking about these sorts of things, this store, as said, made me really, really happy. No, not just because they have chocolates, different every month, in their box, but because of their customer service. I had issue because, for some reason, it kept thinking I wasn’t putting in my phone number when I was. I emailed. They got back to me a day later, apologizing for the ‘delay’ (I wonder what non-delayed replies are), and then getting it sorted out. It got sorted out, like really quick. I’m still just exuberant about that because customer service is something that can either make me happy or angry, and I was made happy.

Of course it helps, too, that they’ve got all these little packages, one even ‘just’ a treat package, and that it negates the need to go get…stuff. And it’s in a plain cardboard box, so no one needs be the wiser even. Extra yay! Granted it’s late this time (but that kind of thing doesn’t go ‘bad’, so not a waste or anything) because of the delay with signup, but the chocolates are still wonderful. There’s also a little art thing, medicine tablets, tea (different teas per month, too), and whatever else you ordered, which you can change as much as you want. You can even have something come in ‘just’ one package instead of monthly. Even things that you don’t usually find in stores. Okay, well, as I’ve been told, maybe just not the average American Walmart and such.

So, yes, not having to go buy some stuff makes me happy. Plus it came within two days of my getting the email it shipped. It coming with tea and chocolate makes me happy, too, so… It may not take much to make me happy at times, but I’m glad for this. And for any other women who read this and either want something they can’t really find or just don’t like buying those types of things or just think it’s an awesome idea, go and look at the link, which I’ll add here again, too. Click here to check the store out; The Period Store

This is the last time I’ll ever openly talk about this. Ever.