I May Be Back…Sort Of

One of my friends recently started writing a blog, and one thing led to another and basically I remembered this existed. I cannot promise regular or coherent posts, but I’m at least going to be having this in my mind from now on. Again, at least. The last time I stopped writing was mostly due to classes getting even more hectic, so we’ll see how this goes.

But looking back on some of my old posts, I’ve realized something: I’ve changed even in just these few years I’ve been where I am. I like to think I’ve grown into a better person due to those whom I’ve decided to surround myself by, but I suppose ‘better’ is relative. I’m still embarrassed by my old writings, such as one feels when looking at anything they wrote in the past. I know I cringe when I look at my old Facebook posts among other things. In any case, hopefully my thoughts can now reflect a growing person. I’ve come to realize a number of things about myself I may write about later, and I’ve just…become somewhat more content with who I am. I feel like I’m not searching half as much for who I am now.

It’s weird. But, well, I suppose that’s what time does. It helps you solidify who you are and what you care about, no matter how old you are. I know I’ll always be learning new things about myself and changing slowly over time no matter how much an ‘adult’ I may be.

So, if you’re out there and reading this: If you read my old posts and any newer ones, just keep in mind life is a journey and I know I’m damn sure still on it.

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Light and Dark

There’s a lot of darkness in the world lately.

People dying still, and new ones dying. Brutality from those you are supposed to be able to trust. Once more, people twisting religious texts, taking them literally, and killing over it, slandering the name of some religion. No religion is without flaws, but still, at their heart they all mean ‘be nice, don’t kill, bring light, bring your god’s word in some preferably peaceful manner’. But people always twist it. In small ways or big ways.

Then there’s the personal darknesses. Not the ones that affect the world, but the ones that affect only you and those in your immediate area. Domestic abuse. Depression. Even something as simple as fear.

With everything escalating, it almost seems like someone reopened Pandora’s box.

While I’m not so egotistical as to believe that I could change the world, make light reach ever corner (since, of course, there needs to be some darkness for light to exist), but I can try to do small things. Sadly, when I try to bring happiness, it only causes me and whoever I was trying to help be sad together. I mess that up a lot.

But I succeed often times as well.

When a friend laughs, smiles, or simply rolls their eyes but there’s an amusement there that they do not want to admit, I have succeeded. If I can make a stranger happy, then I have succeeded.

I might not save any one’s life, but if I can make their day better than I will be happy in my own way. Of course, making some people happy is more important than making others happy, but…still. If I can a few people who’s happiness doesn’t mean as much to me happy, then that’s good. If I can make one person who’s happiness means the world to me happy…then I am over the moon.

I’m not a happy person in general, so it’s not as if I’m giving my happiness away. I don’t have that ability as some do. But I’m still trying. If your my friend or else, I’ll hug you, let you cry (and probably cry with you), let you vent, make a funny a joke, send a cute picture and all that is just to make you smile. Everything I do is with good intention. I’m still learning how to make the good intention translate to the outcome, but I’m getting there. I think.

I know with one person who’s happiness means everything to me…we hadn’t had an issue with my tries for a long time. Only recently was there any issue. Now I jsut have to try and smooth that over, to get back to good happiness levels. Because I care so much, because this one person means so much.

With other friends, they mean a lot, too. I still do what I can. I still try to make them laugh with my odd humor, even if they don’t always get the joke. I hug. I smother them with physical affection, even if they don’t say they want it, because I like to think it helps. I don’t think a hug can fix all things, but I like to think it at least helps.

I have a big heart, I know that, that’s part of why I’m so ‘sensitive’.

But…if everyone could at least try to make one person happy, that one person that means everything to you happy, then the world would be so much better off. If you could try to make one person feel happiness to their core, it will spread out in a wonderful way.

I’m not naive. I know complete happiness is not always possible. But if there’s a chance everyone can make someone smile at least once every day, that would mean a whole world of change.

Vulnerability

I started out thinking I was going to write about Scholarship weekend that happened last weekend, but now I feel that I’m going to write about something else. Though I will say it was a good experience and I had been paired with the sweetest of girls, as did my friends. We all know at least one confirmed, while we’re all collectively hoping that the rest will come here as well.

But what I’m going to actually speak on is how I was recently vulnerable. The thing is, when people are getting to know me, it takes time. it takes years to really know me, and I still have a lot of friends who don’t know everything. Maybe one or two know more than the others and that’s only because one is known over the internet (no shame, quite proud actually) and the other because they’ve known me since middle school. And that was a long time ago, so knowing people for a few months and being any sort of vulnerable is…a big deal for me. I’m a generally open book, but I hide big things from people. My views on religion are closely guarded unless I find like-minded people or open-minded people, a good portion of my family still assumes I’m Christian/Catholic and I’ve never actually voiced what I am to my friends, though I guess they kind of assume I’m some sort of off-shoot of something. And then if I’m ever having an issue, I tend to internalize the problem and try to either ignore it or deal with it on my own. I might mention something here or there, or simply seem sad and like I was crying, but I never say anything. I always say I’m alright, even if I feel beat up on the inside. Talking about things is…hard.

The last time I spoke to someone about a ‘big’ issue, was with that friend I know online. Admittedly I mentioned it a little bit to a friend that drove me someplace to get that checked on/walked in when I may have tearing up over certain possibilities, but that was out of necessity. If things turned out worse than they had, I wouldn’t have told anyone. It would’ve been a secret to myself with a smile on my face.

But this weekend, when my friend group and I were going out, I had some thing on my mind that made my heart hurt and, well, when we weren’t watching the movie or talking, I started crying. I managed to hide it well and at first only the friend sitting next to me in the dark car on the way back noticed something, but I only grinned and bore it. When we got back on the hand, they all noticed something off. I said I was fine, moved the topic on wards, but when it was only me and one friend in the room and she wouldn’t let it go, I told her. Ironically enough she and I have a similar issue going on, so it was easy-ish. If I tell my other friends or not is yet to be seen, if only because I don’t like talking about things in groups and I tell different people different snippets of my story. Why? Because certain people are better able to help with things. It doesn’t mean I’m pretending with anyone or that I don’t trust anyone, it’s just that I don’t tell everyone every thing nor at the same time. If my friends had all seen me crying and knew that’s what it was, they probably would’ve locked the door (as we apparently do now) and tried to see what was wrong. All with good intention, sure, but that’s not how I talk. I talk one on one, not four on one.

Either way, I was vulnerable sooner than I am with most people. I’m not sure if it’s because we see each other every day or what, I just know that shows a lot of trust on my part. Being vulnerable is a scary, scary thing to me. It’s like a giant mountain covered in ice for me; something really hard to climb over. Probably that’s part of why all romantic relationships/potential relationships, go the way they do for me. In any case, it’s a big thing for me to tackle so soon.

This realization in and of itself is scary. I’ll have to see where this goes to know if I should be afraid or not.

Put Yourself Out There

    So, between feeling like an awful friend/selfish for really no reason, plotting who to drag tot eh beach with me so I go at least once this summer, feeling like the stereotypical broke college student, making plans with a friend for next Sunday, and eyeing the frozen margarita in the freezer; a weird topic popped in my head all thanks to available phone backgrounds. I was contemplating to update my phone screen, so, naturally, I went looking on Zedge and somehow has updated a bunch of things involving ‘love is…’ and inserting little drawings and words and all that stuff. It’s adorable, really, but that got me to thinking about something one of my friends has said to me before; you need to put yourself out there.

    What the hell is that to mean?

    I know it might not seem to much fit to that whole ‘love is’ thing, but it does to me in a weird way. But, okay, some background on that thing a friend told me: I had happened to mention how I seem forever single, since it was fitting to the conversation at the time, and this friend piped up and told me I need to put myself out there. I have no idea what he meant, and he got a confused look from me. I never got the elaboration, but…that doesn’t stop me form wondering. One of friends, who happens to be the one who told me this, is rather honest and sweet, if a bit of a flirt, and has told me a few times that I look ‘cute’, as have some girl friends of mine. 

    As soon as I was told that, I started thinking about it and I have been since a long while since, well, I’d like to do the whole love and family thing someday, especially the former, and not have the cat-lady future I am fearing. I’ve only dated so many guys as I can count on one hand without using all my fingers, so clearly I’ve done something right. I’ve also had a couple guys ask me out who I…well I didn’t say no, I jsut never answered because I’m bad with saying no to people; but I didn’t see the attraction with them and didn’t want to waste my time which could be spent on other things. Maybe I’m picky and that’s my problem? Don’t know. 

    All I do know is that, if I happen to like a guy, I might dress up a little more, put some more effort into me morning routine, and my strangely naturally semi-flirty personality really comes out, but when I purposely try to flirt it’s a train-wreck to be perfectly honest. Though that’s besides the point. The point is, I do try, when I like someone…else…eh…don’t’ see the point in wasting time and energy. Perhaps that is what was meant when my friend had said I need to put myself out there, that I need to use more effort daily? That sounds a lot of work, though, which makes me almost decide to just deal with the cat-lady future.

    But, well, I hope. There’s a reason I feel attracted to Europe, maybe whoever is going to be stuck with me is over there someplace? Or maybe near my college? No clue.

    This reminds me of something else vaguely related. In a sociology class of mine, we had to go and write on a timeline where we hope to be at certain ages. I had finishing my master’s somewhere around 28-30, marriage maybe somewhere around 32 (assuming nothing happens before that or after, of course), and children probably not until I’m ‘mid-life’ aka 35. And everyone else had their children and marriage waaay earlier. Everyone else thought it was odd that someone would put children so far down the line when, really, I’m being realistic. My mom didn’t have me until she was 40 and my dad was 34, granted my dad was married twice before and already had a kid with his second wife before he met my mom, but still. I’m being realistic. Even if I meet someone and get married before my guessed age, I’m probably going to put off children until I have a steady job and am settled in my life; I don’t want to have to worry about money and such since, let’s be honest, to be able to support yourself and children, even one, you need money. Especially when college comes along. I simply don’t want to have any possible children I may or may not have to have to worry about what I’ve had to worry about growing up. 

    But what I’m more wondering on is why do people aim to do things so soon? Now, for the women, I guess it makes a hint more sense since that’s the ‘norm’, for women to have children earlier. Granted with women working now, it is slowly changing so that the norm is more what my goal is; family later in life. Even with the change, I was still the odd man out and it didn’t stop people form questioning the why. They all seemed to think that children and a significant other would be easily done early in life, that going to school while having that wouldn’t be too difficult, or that simply working and doing that is easy. It’s really not. Most couples that are married young, have children young, end up divorcing because of all the stress and so many other factors. Yes, some couples make it and that is wonderful, but the chances aren’t exactly on the couple’s side. I know, I’m being pessimistic, but from what I know, that’s how it tends to work. Now, a 20-something person and someone closer to, or in, their 30’s is not what I’m talking about, since that could go either way depending on various things; I’m focusing on people who could basically be high school sweethearts, since they’re both at the same point in their life and who aren’t mentally older. 

    Perhaps my pessimistic attitude is what keeps me giving off the ‘I’m putting myself out here’ vibe I apparently lack, or because the whole ‘settling down’ thing is no where in my short-term goals. If it happens in the short term, it does, if not, it doesn’t. I still won’t ever understand people’s want to do these things right away instead of waiting, considering how lifespans are longer than they were a hundred years ago, but if it’s what works for them, who am I to judge? But maybe one day I’ll understand exactly what putting yourself out there means and why people wish for things to be so soon. Maybe one day.

Changing Heros

    Any of you who have any attachment to superheros probably knows about the news that has been happening recently on three of them; two comic-book wise, and another movie-wise. But, if you didn’t either grow up with comic books either by your choice or because you happened to have a dad like mine, then perhaps you aren’t as ‘savvy’…unless you watch late night talk shows. I know Jimmy Fallon has mentioned…two of these, I think. In any case, as a summary, Thor (the Norse-god with the hammer) is now to be a girl in the comics; Captain America (super old super solider) is to be black; and Wonder Woman has a whole new look for the Superman vs. Batman movie.

    Now, I’m all for wanting more diversity in the superhero world, but changing these ‘classic’ characters? I’m not sure how I feel about this. With Thor, he’s a Norse god. GOD. God implies guy. I know, they’re planning the story line to be something with him losing his powers or so, maybe Odin claiming him unworthy, and some other woman being able to pick up the hammer and ‘become’ Thor by default, since only Thor can pick up the hammer. I think if they want a new Thor-like character, they can just pick another Norse goddess and make her into a hero, yes? Sure, that might be argued to be ‘only’ giving Thor a female counterpart, but last I checked he already does. She’s not a ‘major’ player, but still. Thor is a guy, not a girl

    Now, for the black Captain America. The story is, from what I hear, to be something with the current CA having his powers drained and then training Sam Wilson AKA Falcon (who is apparently already a hero?). Basically Falcon is getting an upgrade and, the original CA will be looking closer to his age and train him. Why can’t they just give Falcon more publicity instead? I know, I know, Captain America symbolizes America, or did during WWII, and he should be reflective of the more diverse and racially agreeable country. But, well, you don’t mess with the classics if you ask me. Like I said, I love diversity, but please, leave the heros be as they are. Because, after a female Thor and black CA, what comes next? 

    Wonder Woman’s change is much more subtle and following the ‘darker’ aspects of the recent Super Man and Batman movies. I think the new actress playing her fits the look, but I’m sure those who grew up with Wonder Woman’s show and such will think she can’t compare tot eh original. And, let’s be fair, no one usually can compare to the first. It’s like the Sound of Music where Carrie Underwood played the leading role; of course she couldn’t replace the original, but she did pretty damn good in my opinion. Now, I only have a few small issues with her. Her outfit, I like it. It is more Amazonian and fight-like, and less spandex. While she’s supposed to be, more or less, like a female Captain America, she is an Amazon, so I don’t see too much of an issue with a  costume change. Of course if they could’ve kept a bit more to the ‘original’ costume, it would please die-hard fans more, probably. The only small issue with the costume is that she looks a lot like Xena, but she’s Amazonian, too, so…it works. But her lasso of truth seems to be brown now. I don’t care if they’re trying to make it match her outfit, it ought to be gold still. It doesn’t seem so truthy with the new color. If it it actually a very bad picture and is silver, which some close-ups seem to show, I can work with that. So long as it is a metallic color, I’m happy. She has her bracelets, the eagle on her chest, and I do hope her invisible plane.

    I heard a rumor she could fly, and i hope that is wrong since, well, she has an invisible plane for that. She’s also wearing heels now, and that just seems a bit..impractical. But it could be worse.

      Yes, overall, I’m not overly impressed with these changes. The Wonder Woman one isn’t as bad as some are saying, and mostly they’re upset over the fact the actress isn’t as ‘built’ as they think she should be. And I applaud the wanting for diversity in comics, but…you shouldn’t change the classics for that. Add new characters. Build these new ones up so that they match the hype the originals have. Give new ones movies, comics, action figures (dolls), etc.

    Like I said, love diversity, but I like my classics.

Introductions

So, I already have something on the about page, but figure I’ll put more stuff here. First, yes, I know, this is connected to two of my ‘character blogs’, but, really, who is going to do all the work to find other blogs I am connected to? Especially as I am posting with another account. In any case, it’s not a worry of mine. I also want to give some warning; there will likely be some, what i consider, light language on this blog. Why? Because it is something I use.

But, as mentioned on the about page, as of now I have yet to officially start my first semester at Salem; that will not happen until the 21st of August. It wouldn’t be until the 23rd normally, but as I am in the ‘Salem Firsts’ program, meant for students who are the first in their family to go for a four year degree, there is a pre-orientation. Now, with that in my mind, I do not come from an uneducated family, it is jsut my dad ‘only’ has an ‘outdated’ associates in computer something, and my mom dropped out of nursing school when she realized it wasn’t for her. I am not from a privileged family, but a smart one nonetheless.

College is very likely to be mentioned a few times since it is a big part of my life at this moment. As well as my ideas on things and possible upset at other things, depending on what strikes my mood at the moment. I am very opinionated, though, I must warn. I have yet to actually upset people with what I say, since I’m nice enough to (most often) not call stupid people stupid to their faces and such things.

That is about it for now, but I hope it gives you a view of who I am and what tone this blog may have. To anyone reading this, hope I won’t bore you.