Mugs? Yes, Mugs.

So, considering how looking for a job has not been entirely in my favor as of yet, I have managed to figure something out. Making and selling mugs. My original plan was to try and sell via Facebook, which would mean cheaper and no shipping…but, unfortunately, that is not working either as people are only really liking the pictures I have posted. But I did come up with an idea that will, hopefully, work better. Etsy.

Right now I only have one listing although I have made a couple mugs, but I do also allow for someone to ask for a custom order which I would gladly do. If any one who happens to read this is interested, please feel free to look at the link below and maybe order something if you find yourself so inclined.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/MugExpression

Oh, and if you get to it from here, please message me and ask about a code if you want it a bit cheaper.

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Memoirs of a College First Year #5

I can’t really say I’m a first year anymore for much longer. I shouldn’t really say that now, since I’ve already been to community college before this, but it’s the easiest explanation as mentioned before. My final grades are in, grades I am not exactly proud of, but they’re in. I passed everything at least. This is more of a reflection post, I suppose, since I can mostly only write of what I have learned seeing as I am now at home for the summer hoping and praying for a job. Too many false hopes already.

I’ve changed over this year. I guess being away from the town you’ve been in for decades does that to someone, meeting new friends helps, too. I’m still a hopeless romantic who would much rather build castles in the sky, living in them endlessly, but I am still aware of the real world and the difficulties there. But that doesn’t stop me from hoping and dreaming. It doesn’t stop me from thinking of fantastical things every second of every day, even if I know those imaginings are unreachable or, at the very least, near impossible to grab without a fight. Even with the similarities to how I have been, I know I’ve grown a bit. I’ve accepted a few things about myself, mostly emotion-wise. I’ve changed some plans for my career path, mostly in the way of back up plans. None of my dreams have changed, none of my wants have changed, but I’m more…out of my shell i guess you could say. I want to say that I’m more like I used to be, since god knows I’m still getting over things from when I was little and fresh faced, But I know that’s more or less impossible, since that ‘used to be’ was when I was in kindergarten. Ah, the easy years. Nap times that I hated but would love now, nice people, nice teachers… So I can’t exactly be like I used to be, but I think I’m getting closer to how much more outgoing I had been. Hard to believe maybe, but I used to be less shy. Shyness for me is more of a learned trait.

Trying to think of what I have learned is definitely harder than I thought. But the funny thing is, the fact that I haven’t learned anything is probably good. I like to think that means that I am about as ‘grown’ as I’ll get. But I’ve had to deal with new problems. Not of my own, since my problems, as they are, have existed since before I went away to my four-year college. But I’ve had to help other people, my group of friends, with their’s. Some have been similar to other issues that have cropped up in the past, while others have been completely new. I suppose that’s a bit of what I’ve learned, new ways to deal with different things that people go through.

Other than being a bit more outgoing and what I count as socially brave, I think I’ve stayed the same. My friends have told me that I am more out of my shell, as I mentioned, than when they first met me, but that’s about it. Perhaps I am a bit more confident about my looks. I still think I’m average, but I also think I’m a pretty average. So that’s an improvement. Realizing I have a slender hourglass figure helped there, too. But I’m not sure I can count coming out of my shell as truly changing, since that is really just me showing more of how I am. It’s not me being different, only me being…more me.

So I’m going to keep building my castles in the sky, even if my pessimism will make reaching them difficult. The castles with all their fantasies will stay and they’ll wait for me. At least most of them will wait. For the ones that won’t wait, I’m still working on trying to make them happen. I know some won’t happen, and that breaks my heart, but I don’t plan to give up so easily. I might cry a little in the process of doing what I can, I might ache more often than I would like to, but I’m going to hope. I’ll hope until there’s no reason to hope any more.

You know, maybe clinging to hope is something I’ve learned. I used to see no point in hoping, no point in thinking things will go how I would like them to. I would dismiss idle fantasies until there was a lot of things pointing to it happening. Now…now my fantasies are stronger. Now my hopeless romanticism gets its own cloud castle. This is good in its own way. It might hurt when they crash down, but it’s good for now.

I just hope the coming years are just as helpful as this has been. I hope to keep the friends I have made, see them go where they wish to go, and I hope to propel myself forward as well. I like to think sticking to this whole college thing will be worth it someday. Both for my career and for me personally. It already has been.

What I want to say to all those who are going back to college, going to a four-year institution for the first time, or the high school seniors starting college next school year: this may be over said, but college is more than just for academics. Enjoy what you can learn from the others around you, enjoy what you can learn about yourself. Enjoy the fact that you will grow, no matter how old you are, you will. In some way, you will grow and become a, hopefully, better person. Even though student debt is on the rise in America, it is worth it. I am hesitant to say that only because I hate the idea of owing money, but it is worth it if you can afford it somehow. If you can afford it, do it. For your career and for yourself.

The Angel

Stumbled upon a brief description of some angel types and this happened:

“You know, the more I see of you, the more I swear you are human,” he murmured, brushing a hand through her hair before letting it wrap around her again. The two were entwined on his bed, simply cuddling, clothes still on and all, but it would be evident to even an outside how closely connected these two were. He was topless with some pajama pants on, blonde hair crowning his head with deep blue eyes peering out from his face. She seemed like the exact opposite; dark brown skin with long brown hair with brown eyes. She was dressed in a long, flowing white gown.

“I only seem so because you’re used to me now,” she replied in amusement, though she didn’t state her worry. She had heard the stories, of angels falling or changing in some other way because of those they watched over. But it was normal to feel love for their humans, after all, there was a reason for an angel-human pairing. The two had to connect somehow, even if the human would never see their angel. She had watched him for a long time, slowly but surely feeling more for him and wanting to speak to him, to have him know she existed. She watched his heart get broken a number of times, her own heart breaking for him. She kept things from causing him harm often enough, just as her job demanded. His time was  along time from now, and she knew it. So it didn’t hurt to come and see him as often as she did. And when he saw her… He seemed so happy. He seemed even happier once he got to know her. She didn’t tell him about what she was for a long time, but he seemed understanding and unsurprised when he found out.

“So this is really the last time I can really see you?,” he asked after some moments of silence, burying his face in the crook of her neck and her hair. She knew he was upset, it was hard for him to hide such things really. She sighed and nodded, not saying anything for some long moments.

“If I keep seeing you….I won’t be able to protect you. The Virtues, the Dominions…even one of the Seraphims told me as much. You know they liked loosing angels, even the lowest ranking…. And I don’t who they would assign to you next. A new assignment could mean that you-,” she cut off, biting her lip as sadness welled up inside of her. She didn’t want him to die. he was so vibrant, so alive, so wonderful that the earth and the other humans needed his presence. She loved him and she knew that, one day, some human woman would love him as much as she did and would make him happy. One day his heart wouldn’t break. “I’m so sorry, but…it has to be. I’ll still be here, and maybe after a few years I can visit again.”

“I know. I’ll wait,” he murmured in a promise. She wanted to say he shouldn’t, that he wouldn’t want to after so long, but she didn’t. She knew he would argue, so she only smiled softly and let him fall asleep, his breath soft on her neck. Once she was sure he was truly asleep, when the sun was just casting its first rays into the night sky, she carefully moved away from him and over to the window. She took a note out and set it down on a table nearby with a white rose and feather lain across it.

The angel looked over to her human, tears welling up in her eyes. He looked so innocent, so free, when he was sleeping… Before she could change her mind, she turned and hurried to the window, throwing it open and jumping out. White, feathery wings immediately billowed out from her back, her form becoming even more ethereal. Her eyes turned a molten gold, her hair grew impossibly longer, and her skin smoothed out.

As she took the skies, climbing up higher and higher as dawn grew stronger, one thought pervaded her mind: this would be her last visit for a long while.

Recognizing the Lows

I’ve been happy for a while now, but recently things have been tipping over one by one and negative thoughts keep finding their way into my head. But there’s something different this time which is making me rather happy, to be honest.Usually one of the thoughts to come at me is that “People have bigger problems. Look at [insert friend’s name here] or what’s going on in [insert place here].” And, yes, that has happened this time, only this time I realized I’m perfectly allowed my own negative thoughts and feelings, even if they aren’t the most healthy to begin with, they are still allowed. Sure, it’s nothing compared to other people’s issues, but its still allowed and other things going on doesn’t diminish my problem.

Honestly, finally figuring that out makes this drop better than others.

Don’t get me wrong, it still took a lot for me to decide that I will in fact still go to spring cocktail with my friends ( hey, it’s free) but having that little push that I’m allowed to be upset….somehow it helps. It makes my thoughts and feelings seem more valid, less like I should just ignore it, and not being able to usually makes me feel worse. But now I’m not worrying about ignoring these feelings.

While my lows are (thank gods) no where near anything that could be depressive as far as I’m aware and probably aren’t even the mild form whose name escapes me at the moment, this makes me think of the walk I was talked into volunteering for earlier. While I stand by the idea that walking wont necessarily help anyone, it’s still a good thing to bring awareness. There were different colored beads for people to wear for varying reasons: loss of a spouse, child, friend, parents, a loved one’s struggles, your own struggle, or just supporting. There were so many who had lost people or who knew people who are struggling when it comes to dealing with suicide and, I’m assuming, depression. Not to mention how many had the beads that showed their own struggle. I really can only imagine what goes on people’s heads with any of those things, and it all seems dark. The good thing about all this is that depression and suicide is a known thing, while suicide isn’t as studied as depression, it still is known. People, for the most part, know how to help at least a little. Less people think that people should pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and so on. Though, yes, there are still people who do, but it’s lesser. The ignorant numbers are shrinking.

To be honest, I think one of the most important things as a starting point is for people to notice when their lows hit. While I cannot claim to know more than textbook information and information from a friend who had had suicidal thoughts at one point in her life, I know that when my mood drops and when everything looks awful and all I want is to curl up in my bed and cry or sleep…I know that knowing my view is slightly distorted helps me. I know to focus more on the good things, or try to. I know what to do to get through that drop until it’s over again. Maybe for people who have depression and such things could be helped by knowing when their view isn’t entirely how the world is. I know cognitive therapy, which is essentially working to change someones thought process, is helpful for these people. Of course pills can help, too, but so can just working through one’s thoughts.

So if you’re someone who struggles with mild lows like myself or full-on depression or the milder, chronic form, just try to recognize when you are in a low. I know you probably do, but if not, can’t hurt to try. I’m not saying I’m an all knowing authority on this matter, as I’m not, and I know people have probably given you so many suggestions already…but just try it. And if that doesn’t work, please, find a therapist. They can help. I promise. Most depressive clients are able to get better and stay that way. So it doesn’t have to be a life long thing. These lows don’t always have to happen.

Peaks

One of the classes I am currently taking is about the history of sexuality in America. A class as such does include speaking on using sex, and therefore rape, as something to establish power alongside how certain aspects of sexuality other than the physical act go with that. Today we just happened to speak about racial power and sexuality mostly after the civil war but a bit before then as well.

A number of things were spoken about, but one thing that stuck out to me was a graph that showed certain spikes of lynchings. One was around the later 1800s with slaves being freed and gaining some more standing and what you are more often hearing about. The other spike, oddly enough, was during the 1920s, which was suggested to deal possibly with blacks leaving the south to go up north. Unfortunately the map and graph only focused on the south, but it still painted an interesting picture.

With the changes going on recently and more focus being put on police brutality and racial profiling, it’s hard not to recognize some similarities. I am not saying this has anything to do with anything in particular, but when people are putting nooses around statues of people or on hanging trees historically known for lynchings, it’s a bit distrubing. I’m not but so knowledgeable in this area, so I won’t pretend to know more than I do, but I do know that history has a tendency to repeat itself. And that graph that showed the spikes isn’t helping to show any different. If history repeats itself, then with certain social movements on the rise, it makes sense that, with more vocalization placed on racial inequality, that more violence will start to show itself.

With any movement or small poking at the status quo, there is a push back. Yes, some people go about protesting in the wrong way, but there also those who go about it in a peaceful way. History has its peaks of protests, its peaks of violence, and its peaks of rights being fought for for one group while neglected for another. History repeats itself in an endless cycle which I highly doubt will end unless humans evolve drastically or become extinct. Even then, history will repeat itself because that is the natural way of the Earth.

So what can be done with the cycles? Not much, but you can do something during those cycles. You can get involved in things if you so wish, or simply better yourself and those around you. Small steps can be more important than big ones sometimes.

While peaks are a part of history, things like peaks of violence are unnecessary and everything that can be done to stop them, should be done. But human nature is a tricky thing, so that probably won’t happen. But speaking up is always a good thing. Just remember that, when you speak up, to think of it in terms of intersectionality as well. Some groups are pushed to the wayside when certain issues arise, but don’t let those groups be pushed aside. Help them, help everyone help each other. Working together creates a bigger voice than working alone.

A Year Off

I think all those people who can afford a year off right after high school have a point. I could never have afforded the luxury since I can barely afford more education as it is. The only thing I have going for me are the loans and grants. But even so, that doesn’t stop me from having decided to take a year off once I’ve graduated in three more years. I could still graduate early, but with how things are going it seems like it would be better if I didn’t…at least if you don’t count the money I’ll be loosing.

In any case: a year off is in my future. Yes, part of that year will be spent working to get enough money to afford this trip, but otherwise I’m going to someplace in Europe and probably try to hit a few choice places. Or I’ll just go to Germany and work on getting settled there and figuring out more about the universities. Though if I find a job that won’t include me getting more education, I won’t say no. Whatever I’m doing, it’s going to be something new and different and just…freedom. At least to me that’s a sort of freedom, when I start making money will be another type.

I’ve been in school since I was in kindergarten, since I was five, and before that my mom was teaching my brother and I the basics like the alphabet, our colors, and our numbers, so I’ve been in something near to school for all of my life. From elementary to middle to high then to community college and now a four year. That’s a lot of years spent in school when I could have been doing other things. I want to enjoy my life, and going straight to another handful of years of school for another expensive piece of paper…it’s not enjoyable. It’s not boring, but it’s not what I want to do. If I was in community college right now, I could easily take a year off right now. But being where I am, it would be weird to come back after a year considering what I’m already working towards.

So I’m going to take a year off after I have one thousands of dollars piece of paper in my hands, and just dance and explore and drink and eat and see and just enjoy because I can. I will need this break come then since I’m already feeling a bit of stress that is probably only a peek into what I will experience within the next couple of years. And I do not want to know how it will be for my upper degree. Right now I’m just going to focus on my studies, my plan for next summer, and my plans for that one lovely year that will be without any hint of school work.

I have to say, just thinking of that makes me happy. A year where school can suck it? Hell yes.

Creative Endings

I made the mistake of reading things and letting my mind wander. I had planned to be productive as I have a few papers due, but that didn’t happen. This kind of goes on a bit of what I wrote recently, but not at the same time. Like I’ve mentioned before I tend to stuff things down into a corner if I think it’ll cause things to end badly. Again my mind is drifting to a certain hidden desire due to something I was reading.

I have a habit of imaging multiple good outcomes, no matter how unlikely they may be, no matter how pessimistic I may be that things will work well. But when I read things about people telling people things and it not ending in the fiery pits of hell, it makes me more sad than anything else. Things like that would give most people hope, but not so much me. Why doesn’t it make me hopeful? Because I’m painfully realistic. I know saying things will mess things up and I would lose someone who means a lot to me in the process. And I don’t want that. I’d rather hurt in one way instead of hurting in the alternative way. But it happens, that’s life, I suppose.

There isn’t much point to this, since the details are between me, myself, and my diary. It’s just the little bits, like the overarching ‘things will end badly’ sign even though so many people have had luck in their own lives. It’s good for them, and I know I shouldn’t be carrying around the bad feeling, but, well, it’s just one of those things. I’ve mentioned before I don’t like taking risks. My luck also tends to skew towards not so great, so I’m not holding my breath. I’m glad for the people that these types of things work out for, but for me? As tired as I am of keeping things to myself, it’s easier this way. It doesn’t make endings.

Of course there are good things in my life, it’s just that one aspect that is a bit lacking. People might say I shouldn’t worry about that at this point in my life, but when I’m feeling some type of way for someone specific, that makes it harder. But, if I’m lucky, just another long lasting crush that will fade in the coming years and I won’t feel this way. Until someone else comes along. If I’m unlucky, I’ll feel this way for the rest of my life and be unable to do anything about it. But that’s yet to be seen. Maybe I’ll be extremely lucky and things will go really well and one of those creative endings about how things could go, like riding off into a sunset as cliche as that is, will happen. But I’m not counting on the latter.

Fears and Insecurities

A bit of warning: this is not so happy or anything, more introspective than anything else. And the only reason I’m posting is because, well, it seems relevant. Maybe someone will read it an relate, I don’t know, but it’s there.

Apparently something as simple as going out to eat and a movie with some friends makes me rather introspective. Granted this is something that has been tickling the back of my mind for a good couple of days, but I only really now am thinking of it. It’s really strange being introspective, since it makes a lot of things glaringly obvious. You know where certain hings come from and you know what they are, but that doesn’t mean that you can so easily fix them.

Let me start with how I am in platonic or romantic relationships, since it’s basically the same for both: It takes a while, as mentioned before, for me to trust people. And even then, something I read had me realize that I really only let them see small pieces of the puzzle; enough that they seem to have the whole picture, but not really letting them have it all. There are a lot of things I keep to myself that, unless you know me for many years, you will never see. There’s this guarded part of me that is such a rare thing to be seen, that I’m only half certain of what it is. I just know I hold back with people because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I don’t want to be hurt by people I grew to care about, so I keep a part of myself safe to put that off. If a friendship fades, I hurt, yes, but not as much as I could. And if a relationship doesn’t work out, it probably only lasted four months anyway with my track record (and that’s a whole other thing all together). I keep myself safe, and only because I very quickly learned the world is a cruel place and letting everything you are show is a quick way to be hurt. Sometimes the soft-hearted have to have brick walls put up.

One of those walls happens to be keeping people at an arm’s distance. Some people get closer than others, but I’m afraid of that happening when I realize it. Sometimes people sneak in, but if I know someone is getting too close…I guess I self-destruct the relationship. I hide away a bit. If we don’t see each other daily, I stop trying. Probably the other person doesn’t try but so hard. And, even if they do, I’ve been guilty of not always replying to text. I remember just last year I id this very thing. Someone was getting too close too fast, and…I just made it stop. I was afraid. I feel bad for having slowly cut off communication, but I was scared. I have enough friends, and having more just opens up more ways to be possibly hurt. That’s why I take my time, like testing the waters. I need to have people slowly ease into my life, otherwise I tend to run the other direction.

As wonderful as love at first sight seems in the movies and books, I would be the one to look like a startled deer and take off in the other direction as fast as my legs would carry me, as if I was being chased by a serial killer.

The few boyfriend-girlfriend relationships I have been in have all only lasted four months, all ending with friendship that either lasts or does not. Either way, we end on a peaceful note. All friendships I’ve had, if we don’t see each other often simply because we live close or attend the same classes, it’s likely to fizzle out. Apparently I don’t know how to manage relationships at all. With romantic ones, I think it mostly ends up being friends and all because of how long it takes me to trust people fully. You’re supposed to be open with your significant other, but how can you be if you’ve only been together for but so long? I don’t like to hold people back, and I guess a part of me worries that I’m not worth waiting for my trust. Actually, no, I know a part of me fears not being good enough. As much as I would love to welcome love into my life, it’s hard. And it goes with friendships in a way as well: if we don’t see each other often, I assume you probably didn’t want to see me anyway, so I just let myself fade. I know it’s silly to think that in every case, but it’s one of those thoughts I cannot help.

All of this can really trace back to teh fear of being hurt, I suppose, which is a surprisingly common fear I’ve realized. And it’s one of those that can manifest in many ways. Whether it is constantly apologizing when you perceive yourself as having upset someone (guilty) or just throwing up every wall possible that people have to work to get to know you and thinking that they will give up on the way. The fear of being hurt is a lot like a fear of death, it worms its way into so many aspects of life that it creates insecurities in its wake. I’m afraid of being hurt and I’m full of insecurities when it comes to my personality, my friends, my future, my relationships, my everything. I don’t make a step without detailed planning and ten backup plans simply because I’m afraid of falling into the abyss of emptiness, having a darkness converging on me as all my prospects and potential simply…fizzled out. I don’t want that. I want to reach my goals. I want to reach my full potential. Also I’m afraid of the dark, so that adds to that, too.

Hurt, the dark, and spiders. All of them have in common that one thing, fear. But only one of them creates insecurities.

And an update now that I’m fully awake and not procrastinating things: I know this all sounds like I don’t reach out at all to people I count as friends, when, in fact, I do. If I’ve known you for a goo amount of years and we’ve connected, I’ve probably reached a point where I’l reach out even if you go MIA from our normal meeting spots (classes, work, etc.) by text or whatever our means of communication is. And if I reach out that means you matter a whole hell of a lot to me. That also means the few people who matter that much to me hold the ability to hurt me, which is showing just how much faith I put into whoever. So, yes, I do reach out if you matter so very much to me. If we have only a blossoming friendship? I can’t make promises.

Vulnerability

I started out thinking I was going to write about Scholarship weekend that happened last weekend, but now I feel that I’m going to write about something else. Though I will say it was a good experience and I had been paired with the sweetest of girls, as did my friends. We all know at least one confirmed, while we’re all collectively hoping that the rest will come here as well.

But what I’m going to actually speak on is how I was recently vulnerable. The thing is, when people are getting to know me, it takes time. it takes years to really know me, and I still have a lot of friends who don’t know everything. Maybe one or two know more than the others and that’s only because one is known over the internet (no shame, quite proud actually) and the other because they’ve known me since middle school. And that was a long time ago, so knowing people for a few months and being any sort of vulnerable is…a big deal for me. I’m a generally open book, but I hide big things from people. My views on religion are closely guarded unless I find like-minded people or open-minded people, a good portion of my family still assumes I’m Christian/Catholic and I’ve never actually voiced what I am to my friends, though I guess they kind of assume I’m some sort of off-shoot of something. And then if I’m ever having an issue, I tend to internalize the problem and try to either ignore it or deal with it on my own. I might mention something here or there, or simply seem sad and like I was crying, but I never say anything. I always say I’m alright, even if I feel beat up on the inside. Talking about things is…hard.

The last time I spoke to someone about a ‘big’ issue, was with that friend I know online. Admittedly I mentioned it a little bit to a friend that drove me someplace to get that checked on/walked in when I may have tearing up over certain possibilities, but that was out of necessity. If things turned out worse than they had, I wouldn’t have told anyone. It would’ve been a secret to myself with a smile on my face.

But this weekend, when my friend group and I were going out, I had some thing on my mind that made my heart hurt and, well, when we weren’t watching the movie or talking, I started crying. I managed to hide it well and at first only the friend sitting next to me in the dark car on the way back noticed something, but I only grinned and bore it. When we got back on the hand, they all noticed something off. I said I was fine, moved the topic on wards, but when it was only me and one friend in the room and she wouldn’t let it go, I told her. Ironically enough she and I have a similar issue going on, so it was easy-ish. If I tell my other friends or not is yet to be seen, if only because I don’t like talking about things in groups and I tell different people different snippets of my story. Why? Because certain people are better able to help with things. It doesn’t mean I’m pretending with anyone or that I don’t trust anyone, it’s just that I don’t tell everyone every thing nor at the same time. If my friends had all seen me crying and knew that’s what it was, they probably would’ve locked the door (as we apparently do now) and tried to see what was wrong. All with good intention, sure, but that’s not how I talk. I talk one on one, not four on one.

Either way, I was vulnerable sooner than I am with most people. I’m not sure if it’s because we see each other every day or what, I just know that shows a lot of trust on my part. Being vulnerable is a scary, scary thing to me. It’s like a giant mountain covered in ice for me; something really hard to climb over. Probably that’s part of why all romantic relationships/potential relationships, go the way they do for me. In any case, it’s a big thing for me to tackle so soon.

This realization in and of itself is scary. I’ll have to see where this goes to know if I should be afraid or not.

Hidden Desires

To be perfectly honest, I should be sleeping. My friends have the right idea; enjoy the hotel beds for as long as we can, since we have to get up early in the morning. But I couldn’t sleep in the first place, and now, after a shower of course my mind has wandered. If I’m honest with myself, it might be in part due to Valentine’s being tomorrow, well, today. I’ve never been a big fan of this holiday, even when I was in relationship during this day once a long time ago. I just don’t see it’s point, but with everything boasting love and happiness…you can’t help but think. Well, after you think of the discounted chocolate to go on sale the 15th and 16th.

In any case, I’ve realized I don’t get attached real easy, but, when I do, it’s a close attachment. I care about you, I worry for your well-being, and I’m highly empathetic and cannot stand it if you’re upset with me. Apparently this translates over to crushes. Yes, the general time for crushes to last is four months, and, supposedly, anything over that means you are in love. In my adult life, I suppose I’ve had two crushes that people who apply that logic would call love. I did not love at least one of these individuals, I’m still contemplating the other. One of these was a two year long crush, not much helped by this friend’s flirty behavior. Of course I flirted back. Friends knew I was interested in him. I still don’t know if he knew it or not. All I know for certain is that seeing him flirt with others hurt me and broke this illusion I had that he felt the same way to me as I felt to him. People told me to tell him how I felt; I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. So i stayed quiet, even when I was on the brink of tears one day because the illusion was crashing so hard.

One of the last times I saw him, he kissed my cheek and I felt so ecstatic. And then he promptly asked where another friend/acquaintance was who I knew he was acting his flirty-self with, too, was. This girl was in the same state as I was; liking him but keeping her mouth shut. Only she hadn’t been secretly desiring him for two years. Either way, knowing that he wanted to find her kind of…. I guess it was the last ‘illusion break’ it took for me to be able to move on.

My issue with these hidden desires I seem to keep harboring is that I try to stuff it down until someone does that sometime that gives me hope again. It makes me hope, it makes me want, and when I realize it’s stupid and silly and that they want nothing the like in return…it makes me teary eyed. Because it hurts. And it hurts so much when you sit there and realize you’ve spent so much energy hiding this emotion for years. Sometimes you can even manage to hide it from yourself, until it pops its ugly head back up again, whispering these fantasies into your ear. But you stuff it down again, as best you can, and try to move on.

I think one of my friends is like me. She’s bolder than I am, yet she doesn’t like telling people if she really likes them. The only difference is, she tells our group of friends. We give her advice, we try to help. We want to beat up the person that makes her so tired. With me? No one even knows these things I’m feeling. The two year long crush was one that was only known because of the fact I was flirting back with him. I was a bit more open and playful with my affections, just…keeping it more on the friendly side. Basically if there were no seats and he offered his lap…I didn’t say no. If he wasn’t a bit flirty himself and the amount of time he and I were around the same people was quite large, no one would have known.

It sucks stuffing emotions down into the dark and dusty corners of your hear that even you forget about sometimes. And, as much as I hate to say it, sometimes it truly is the only viable and helpful option. It’s the same advice I gave to a few friends before. You could always go tell the person, but…sometimes it’s just best to not.

Hidden desires aren’t always so hurtful and sad as my experience with them, though. In a try to be optimistic, for others than myself granted, I will say this: sometimes these hidden feelings can be expressed in the smallest of ways, whether it be in connection to wanting to be with someone or wanting a certain career path or whatever else, and that small action can push things forward so that you do have your desire met. Not all hidden desires are meant to die with you, sometimes they’ll grow and blossom into something so very wonderful. Sometimes you can be lucky. Sometimes you need to reveal your want. Even if you’re afraid doing so will end horribly, there’s a good enough chance it will go well. So, well, since today’s the day before discount chocolate day: if you feel a strong way to someone, let them know. Even if it’s just friendship, tell them that you care. And if however you feel is hidden in that dark, dusty corner? Maybe think about sweeping it into the open.

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