I’ve come to some realizations about me, my life, and my future over the past couple years, most of them more recently found than others. I’ve come to accept that I may not get married or have children one day, but that my career is what I want the most and that marriage, or at least a ‘nonlegal’ marriage since marriage recognized by any legal system can take away more benefits than it can give (mostly monetary), is second but still sorely wanted as I crave companionship. I also have realized I might as well just admit some things to myself and fall full in. But I won’t yet because I’m stubborn and have issues. What I have realized, though, is that children aren’t a ‘need’ as some sort of long lasting relationship and career are. Yes, I want kids. Yes, I want to help children. But if it doesn’t happen? I’ll probably be sad and wonder ‘what if’, like with all things, but it won’t be something constantly at the forefront of my mind, only every now and then since I would intend to lead a full life anyhow. But, with that in mind, I’ve always known I have at least wanted to adopt one child of my hopeful two because 1) who wants to go through labor twice and 2) I want to help at least one child who lacks a family.

With this in the back of my mind, I had read something today that only briefly mentioned fostering due to it being relevant to the topic, but that had my think “Hey, if I don’t have kids, I could always foster some until they find a family.” And that sounds like a pretty good deal to me. When I’m better off, I won’t have to worry too much about the monetary cost of having children and fostering more or less would mean that the cost would be even less. I would make a difference in some kid’s life and, while it is vastly different from being a parent, I will still get at least a similar experience.

I still would like to have at least one child if fate would allow ti to be so, but if I can’t…there are other options. So if I can’t have a child because I have no one to have one with or if I am too old by that point that I physically cannot or some other reason, I could at least foster children. Like I said, I would so love to have one of my own little terror, but so long as I can help a child, not jsut with my hopeful career, I’ll be happy. So long as I can love and be loved by a child, I’ll be happy.

Yes, I know, ‘technically’ I shouldn’t worry about children or husbands at my age, I guess, but I like to know where I stand and to have all my ducks in a row before I do anything. So now I know that by the time I’m where I can have a family financially (unless something happens before then, because who knows) I won’t be to concerned with being legally married and I’ll be happy with foster children. Basically I won’t be too surprised if I end up with a really unorthodox family. But I’ll take it or a more ‘normal’ set up, because my heart will be filled with love in either case. More love than it already is.


Happy New Year!

A bit belated, but still.

I have yet another lists of, for a better term than resolutions, goals I hope to meet this year. I had a few from last year, the list did not get finished. This year seems a bit more plausible to happen, especially since most is working to my goal of traveling next summer. I may not even have to work over this summer, if all goes well. I didn’t bother adding ‘finish writing a book’ this time around, since I kind of sort of have to for my Jan Term class. So that’s the extra push that might actually have me finish, since I do not want to be a ‘wannabe writer’ my whole life long. I’m not so worried about not being able to meet certain goals this year, since, like I said, they seem more meetable.

Except for the whole ‘take more risks’ thing…but saving up to go to another country next year on my lonesome is a bit out of the norm… So maybe that counts.

I find it interesting how, when people look to the future, it’s so vastly different from how it truly is. This idea falls into resolutions and other such things, since we say we’ll do something but don’t do. (My saving is not one of those times, I swear I’m doing it!) But it also falls under all those movies that guessed at how these years would be. One of the most popularly mentioned ones isĀ Back to the Future 2. Why? Because it’s set in 2015. So, if we go off that, we’re supposed to dress entirely ridiculously (though some of our styles are near to that in some ways). We also should have hoverboards. Though every last generation has been waiting for that flying car since forever, and we’ve all lacked it. The one thing they seem to have right is video-communication being widespread. And, well, it is in general.

Though another way that it is different, involves how children see the future. I know that at least my friends and I when we were little would look at the people on TV and in movies and think ‘I’ll dress like that when I’m a teenager/twenty/thirty/etc.’, but, of course, when we reached that age group, the styles were so far out of time. That doesn’t stop me, really, if I could find more of what I wanted, I would. I’m already halfway there with fishnets, boots, and this skirt and sweater set I have. But, still, in general, the styles most of us were waiting to wear, aren’t really easy to find. Unless you do some serious mix and matching to make it how you want. And some things, especially some 80’s style clothing, will stick out like a sore thumb. If you’re like me, that’s absolute torture. If it weren’t for that, I would probably mix 80’s and 90’s and semi-Victorian era and maybe 20’s style clothing. Not all at once, but still.

So, when you imagine fashion as a child, generally, it will be different even just in those ten or twenty years. Styles recycle, yes, but there’s always a small difference. Like capes. Capes are a thing again, but not for the purpose they were so many years ago; which was warmth, not appearance. With that small change of need, the coloring and such changes. Mini skirts have changed, too. Much less often are they animal skin print, but rather solid block colors.

All in all, even the smallest aspects of the future are difficult to predict. You can try, but things move slower than we hope, like hover cars. And some things move faster, like phones and computers.I’m interested in what this year, and the next many years, will bring. I hope for good changes, but my realistic side says that will be more difficult than changing clothing styles.

For now, I’ll just stick to getting my hair cut to how my little five-year old self always dreamed of.

Name Meanings

I tend towards the belief of name meanings to mean something in some aspect, even if that is to be the opposite. I say this because tonight, for the second time, I had my tarot read and, as the last one had been a valentine’s day love reading, I decided to think on vole for my ten card reading. And again it basically said that if things do not change, that they will go badly. (Thank you, tarot cards, for lifting my already wonderful mood.) While my love life is bordering on nonexistant, things including a fear of trickery, a past with illusions, the present having an incomplete joy and all, having a loud environment, and other such things I can only remember more by ‘not good’, I still would’ve liked some optimism. But, unless things change, I will likely be an old cat lady who never got married, or maybe divorced… Actually, as I think on it, the latter sounds like it may be more inline with what the cards say, and while divorce isn’t great, somehow it sounds better than the old cat lady option.

There was something with confessions, too, I think in there, so maybe I’ll learn exactly what this is all applying to exactly soon. Else, well, guess I’ll see. Though I am working to actively change the potential bad outcome in however I think may work, though I believe to need more information before I can manage much.

But, see, what this all has to do with name meanings is essentially that mine means sorrowful and downflowing; brokehearted, and based off the Gaelic story of Deirdre who died of a broken heart (or suicide depending on which version you read). So, essentially, it means that my love life and outlook on the world was cursed from the beginning. I”m not saying my name has shaped all that much, but it is interesting how it falls in line with certain things. Other than how beautiful the fateful heroine was, because that doesn’t apply at all. But else? Well, it fits.

I’ve also known others who have names that seem to match them, even if only in an opposite way, which is interesting. Most people choose names for how they sound rather than what they mean, though some go more for meaning. Oddly enough, those who go more for sound and looks, it seems to match the person more than whoever picked the name for the meaning. I have friends who have told me their parents heard a name, liked it, went with it, and it matches them wonderfully. Others went with a meaning for ‘joyful’ or ‘pure’ or something else, and most often that doesn’t match. Perhaps going for sound is more listening to whatever energies there may be telling you what is the right name? I’m not sure. I just know names tend to match for the person, more often if chosen for the sound.

I like my name. I wish it didn’t mean what it did, or that it had a happier story with it, but I like it. I just have to hope that things will go a bit better for me than the woman in that story.

And next time I get my tarot read, I’m thinking of my career.