What the Hell

My roommate had been playing this earlier, before the three of us in my room split into various shows that cause us each varying amount of stress. But, besides the last bit, that song is playing in the back of my head, mostly one line. Disregarding certain parts besides the line ‘all my life I’ve good, but now, I’m thinking what the hell’ is something that consistently sticks with me whenever I hear this song. Why? Because, if I were to fall into one of many categories, good girl is one that would follow me through my whole life long.

I remember being vehemently against being called ‘goody two shoes’ in elementary school, even if it was really very true. By this point is somewhat less true because I am not afraid to tell people exactly what I think of them in most cases, it still is. I don’t do anything that could be even vaguely considered ‘bad’. I don’t get drunk. I don’t have sex with random people (even if I probably wouldn’t be opposed to that). I do my work. I go to class, unless I really need a day to myself. I go to work. I care about spending habits. I hate people paying for things for me. I have a plan A, B, and C for my career (child psychologist, advertising, and teaching as an absolute last resort. I like kids, but not twenty at a time). I don’t stir things up in my family, even if I think some of them need serious intervention. I want to tell people about things that are causing me distress, but I don’t because I know other’s have things going on. If I tell someone about things, that’s only because it’s either A) unavoidable or B) I seriously trust the person or C) whatever the problem is won’t affect them in any way/have them worry about me.

None of those things are exactly bad, but in some ways doing them could be perceived as so by certain people. Like I said, I’m the good girl who takes no risks.

I think I mentioned before that, yet again, on my list of things to change this year is my non-risky behavior. It’s not like I’m going to do stupid things, it’s just a matter of doing more things. I don’t want to have regrets when I’m laying on my death bed. I want to be able to think back and smile at some of the things I did. I want to have stories to tell about some wonderful summer fling, or some silly thing my friends and I did one night out.

Perhaps it’s strange to want these things, but whenever people tell stories…I have none to tell in return. Yes, I have a couple but they’ve been in the cycle for so long…I feel like it’s repetitive to tell them anymore. I’ve been adult since I was ten or so, and it’s really starting to get on my nerves that I’m always the adult. Even fifty year olds aren’t adults all the time.

It’s going to take a little bit for me to shake off my ‘stay safe, don’t get hurt physically or emotionally’ mentality, but…I’m hoping at some point I will be able to. I remember this painting I made when I was younger; a heart made of bricks that was already broken. It basically was meant as I haven’t given myself a chance to be hurt, but I’ve still managed to be hurt simply because I have not let myself have that chance. I’m hurting because I’m perfectly aware that I may be on my own my whole life long, and I don’t want that. Yet I’m much too careful with myself to do anything that might help me not be alone.

That painting was made in middle school, and, years later, it still holds true.

At some point, I’ll gain a new story to tell, a new memory to hold on to. At some point, I’ll say ‘what the hell’.


Let Me Tell You About Salem

So, I recently realized I’ve been here a little over a month. A month. That’s a long time, a lot of my time gone already and I hardly noticed it. I also saw that the school’s site has registration for fall visit up already, which reminded me of my first time on campus. That was nearly a year ago. A year ago I was first visiting Salem, a year ago I was getting my application ready for early decision. A year ago I fell in love with the campus.

I’m not going to lie and sugarcoat things by saying Salem is perfect; it isn’t. I could make a whole list of things wrong, starting with the food (especially the weekend food) at the Rat (aka refectory), and ending with how difficult the squirrels can be. (they will steal your food and stare you down, seriously. They aren’t afraid of people at all.) But I won’t because that would defeat the purpose. Yes, a lot of people are probably going to transfer after this year because they found it wasn’t the right fit, but most will stay. There are people in my class, and others, who love Salem, even if it frustrates them beyond belief. Financial aid office, food, squirrels, ghosts, all the stairs and hills, the age of the buildings, etc. But they still love it and feel like hey belong here, as do I.

The teachers, for the most part, are good at what they do and actually care. The students, for the most part, are welcoming. Sure, you have your cliques and general bitchiness, but what do you expect? Especially from an all women’s college; that kind of comes with the territory. I don’t know how to explain why I love this school, I just know I do. It makes me feel happy to know I’m here. It makes me want to get involved with clubs and to, maybe, join up as an orientation leader to help the first years next year. It’s just this feeling that flows through me that has me think ‘this is where I belong’ I’m going to graduate a year early, yes, but I’m going to probably stay involved in some obscure way. For example, if I get a Little only my junior/senior year, I’ll come back for Big/Little events so that she doesn’t have to find a new one. Even if I get a Little next year, I’ll still probably come back from time to time. (Especially for Fall Fest.)

I want to say to anyone filling out applications, either as a senior in high school or as a transfer, and if Salem is at the top of your list, and if you get in, make sure to visit at least once. If you visit once, you might have the same feeling of belonging that I did, and that will help you put up with the bad and focus more on the good. And there is so much good.

The acceptance of so many different religious views, Moravian school or not.

The feeling of family.

The diverse clubs, from Eco Club to FMLA (Feminist Majority Leadership Association) to Pierettes (drama) to Conta Club (a type of Spanish dance) to so much more.

The fact it’s right in old Winston-Salem, just a short walk form downtown, that allows for a variety of events; the art festival in downtown and the farmer’s market on Saturdays right across the street from the school.

And the list goes on. Wherever I go after, whatever does happen, I’m going to be so glad to call myself a Salem Spirit. This will be the first time I’ll feel glad to call myself anything from any school. In high school, middle, and elementary, I didn’t think of school as much else than a place to learn. I loved my kindergarten school, so I’m glad for that, but that’s where it ends. Sure, I was in chorus for a while up until high school, but that was the extent of my extra curriculars. Here though? I’m in Pierettes, Eco, FMLA, the Circle, and, if I ever hear of an event soon, Incunabula (the writing magazine, which I’m only half sure I spelled right). I’m involved for once in my life. For once I give a damn. And that’s saying a lot considering my general apathy towards certain things.

Salem isn’t perfect, but I’m glad they wanted me as much as I wanted them. If you come to visit and feel that smack of belonging, go with it. Apply. And maybe you’ll be here next year, too.

A Day

    This is sorta-kinda a reflection over the week, plus me moping around a little.

    So this week wasn’t half bad at all; didn’t go to the mall Wednesday because I decided better not after having a long day anyhow. I have three out of four textbooks so far, and on Friday I convinced a friend and her roommate to go to downtown with me, since it is within walking distance. The downtown trip was fun, even with the whole having to call public safety to get us back since we weren’t exactly eager to go down a darker street… I didn’t care much, but one of the girls did, so we did. We got to get a ride back in a gold cart-thing, so worked out.

    And now there’s the weekend. Most people I know have gone home for the weekend or are setting their Sunday aside for the doing of homework, and that leaves me with no one to go tot he mall with. Now, I would be fine going on my own if I wasn’t going to have to keep myself entertained for four hours. I can’t go on Wednesday because I have rehearsal. But if this happens again next Sunday, am liable to just say ‘fuck it’ and go on my own. Why? Because I like going off campus when I have a chance, plus I want to get my brother and mom a birthday gift yet. The top thing on my list for next year is ‘get a car by some means’.

     Oh, and my Spanish textbook order was cancelled due to a ‘technical problem’. What technical problem? I swear they said it was shipped. But, in any case, now I’m down the book I could probably need the most…

    I can already tell that this week is going to be long, so I’m probably going to buy a bag of sugar cake tomorrow from the nearby bakery and call it a day. My workstudy for closing the library tonight probably won’t be that bad, but after? Yea, still not so convinced I’m going to love this week.

    There’s a reason I detest making plans with other people; they tend to fall through. But, maybe, hopefully, this week will be nicer than I’m imagining. One of the highlights should be a Q&A thing with a nature-based-religion group, and I’m mostly going to go to listen to other’s POVs and for the pizza. Food makes me a bit happier. So, one known good thing and, maybe – though I don’t count on it – other good things this week, too.

Random Good

    Today has been…long, like all my other days, but long in a good way. I’m still waiting for a bad day to hit me in the face with a brick, but so far so good. There was a club fair, where some local food-places also came with free samples, so ice cream and a brownie made me very happy. And just now, some girls went down the hall, with what was clearly two new boxes of cupcakes bought from somewhere, asking if anyone wanted a cupcake. In short, I’m eating a very nice cupcake right now. Last night, too, someone I know went down calling if anyone wanted cake, but I was working on sleeping so I didn’t poke my head out. All I know is, there is food everywhere and that makes me beyond happy.

    I’ve also seen a bunch of random wildlife; dragonflies, lovely blue butterflies, a groundhog, and what I think might be a finch. The picture of which will follow;


    I even sort of kind of made plans with someone (who I will call E for now) to go on Monday, or some Monday, to get one of the free cake squares from the bakery nearby. And as mentioned before, I have an unofficial Big already. So far, things aren’t bad at all. Of course classes and homework are not my favorite thing (have to go down tomorrow morning to print out a paper) but even my classes aren’t but too bad. Hell, I even got a small part in a play, though I may or may not end up with a bigger-ish part depending since someone decided they couldn’t do it. So, hoping for the best with that.

    Still waiting to be hit hard with something not good at all, but, well, until then, I’m going to enjoy my random animals and cupcakes.